Fall Back Again
by gemin
Summary: A Jasper and Bella tale. Jasper does not meet Alice in the diner. She goes to the Cullen's alone. Jasper has a different kind of adventure before he meets the Cullens. When he meets Bella he's dealing with shadows of his past that only she can rid him of.
1. The First Time

**Preface**

_Jasper's tale took a different twist, down a different path and with a different Miss. Her name was Vera. And she was changed during World War II._

_Her plight was the Holocaust where she was no stranger to death. She was taken to Auschwitz when she was 13 and remained there for three years, from 1941 to 1944._

_When she was 16 she was taken from her bunk at night by a guard, she thought. It wasn't unheard of; the soldiers had their sick fantasies._

_All too soon she awoke to a new world, where everything was so much clearer, even her pain, her strife, the loss of her mother to Diphtheria in the camps. And her little sister…_

_The pain overtook her and she opened her never restful eyes only to want to close them forever on such clarity._

_A shadow, no a man came towards her, he told her that he was liberating the Jews one by one, creating a Jewish army of vampires that would take revenge on Hitler's Nazi regime._

_She was unfamiliar with the term vampire but she did not like the way his blood red eyes reminded her of fire from below and eternal punishment. She immediately knew that she had died and that she would now suffer greater tragedies in death than she ever knew in the camps. No peace would find her. No peace, ever again, such a foreign concept, peace. And she would never know it again, she wondered then if she ever did know it. All she wanted was peace; from the moment she opened her eyes as a babe, to the last…_

_She was reciting it over and over again. "All I want is peace, all I want is peace. I need no God. Just. Give. Me. Peace. Her eyes tightly shut against reality as she rocked back and forth reciting her peace mantra._

_She heard noises. She felt hands tighten around her arms, some around her torso. She did not hurt. There was no pain accompanied with the grips. Her eyes flashed open to see this miracle for herself._

**Chapter 1**

Edward's POV

The new girl. All the little children were mulling around her, their thoughts interested in the new meat. My arm tightened around Alice reflexively. A gentle pat on my knee, Alice. I have nothing to worry about, people stopped thinking of her as "new meat" last year. I smiled at her and her thoughts reminded me of the night we had planned. My grip on her shoulder relaxed, as the image of us lounging together in our field flooded my mind. Seclusion. After we had our fill of the hunt, my mouth poured with venom just thinking….

My thoughts were interrupted by Jasper's, who was sitting across from me. He kept repeating the same lines over and over. _It's not her, it's not her. I can smell her blood course; I can nearly taste it flowing in her veins. My sense of smell, I can feel it thudding in time with her heart. Her heart…_

Jasper's thoughts were instantly consumed by an intense desire. He was struggling with the monster within. Words formed in his thoughts again, _they just have the same scent, the same soft skin, the same face…kind of. It's not the same, not at all, therefore it can't be her._

He was still as a statue, his fingers wrapped around a piece of fruit in his hands. The image he kept seeing in his head was of the new girl, Bella Swan. The picture flashed between the human and his old love, Vera. Was he comparing the two? I didn't see the similarities. I very gently tapped my foot on Jasper's leg under the table. He closed his eyes and sighed. _Another time Edward_, he thought then he opened his eyes and continued his staring contest with an orange.

Rosalie and Emmett didn't notice the exchange, but Alice always knew. She just looked up at me, my arm still around her shoulders. I stared back, and Jasper's manic thoughts would have to wait for _another time._


	2. Contact

**Chapter 2**

**"**_**Oh, life it seems a struggle between what we see and what we do."**_

_**Dave Matthews-Seek Up**_

**Jasper**

After the exchange with Edward he seemed to get lost in Alice's gaze. Which is not a rarity in this family. I needed to get out. The ghost of her was sitting not 30 feet away. I needed to breathe fresh air. I felt suffocated by lovers on each side of me. I mumbled some excuse and left them to their mutual ogling.

I just wanted to run full speed out the cafeteria doors, but I would have to settle for a brisk human walk. When I reached the exit I felt my back burning. A miniscule amount of the pain a venomous bite made, but still I felt a significant burn on my back. My instincts kicked in and I whirled around and crouched in a stance that could leave no attacker guessing at my intentions, a snarl ripped through me. No one was there. I did not release my position. I was not fool enough to let my guard down so easily. I would play no games. 'Fight fair, show yourself!' I nearly shouted.

Edward and Emmett were on the defensive too; I could see their motions from the corner of my eye. They stood with tension in their limbs, their emotions only lent to the curious nature of an attack in the middle of the Forks High cafeteria. Edward breathed under his breath, too low for the humans to hear. "What's wrong Jasper?" I realized then, that they were not on the defensive for an outside attack, but were on guard, anticipating me to attack. What was going on? Edward had garnered from my thoughts that I was not about to attack a student, but that there was another; I _had_ felt the pain on my back. He hissed. Low in his stomach, a rumble formed. His voice was calm though, "I sense no threat Jasper. Stand up, the students are beginning to stare." I was still by the exit. Edward and Emmett were not far from our table. They really did not sense the threat. I opened my senses, feeling around me for evidence of an attacker.

That's when I noticed an emotion. It soared above all others that I was feeling. It smothered them. It was curiosity, a different flavor from my siblings' own curious feelings at the moment. The feeling came with a taste. It tasted so sweet that I wanted to lick the air around me. It must have been a full five seconds since the initial burn on my back. The pain was gone; I could feel no shadow of the flame.

Someone was approaching me. It was the curious one. I stood automatically and turned to leave. A voice stopped me. A girl. "Wait!" I turned, it was _her_. She bent down where I had just been crouching and plucked something off of the ground.

Her eyes…chocolate, deep, dark, not red, never red. She was human. She was not _her_.

She was examining something in her fingers, between her forefinger and her thumb. The dirt, could she see that? She put the invisible find into her palm and took two steps toward me. Her scent nearly made me fall to my knees, just so that I might drink from the warmest part of her body first. I stopped breathing. Edward advanced from the corner of my eye, Emmett a step behind him. Alice stood then.

"I found it." Her voice demanded my full attention; I ignored the vampires and their increasingly agitated emotions. I pressed them to the back of my mind. Her eyes caught mine, lashed onto my torso, and then again forced their way back up to mine. Ahh, the pain. Again. It hurt. _That_ _burn_. Her gaze, stronger than any force I had felt before, surely. It gnawed at my chest, something…beneath my chest. No. Never again. _It's not her._

She was staring at her hand now, the loss of her eyes in mine, hurt greater than the fire before. Was she the burn from before, on my back? She gestured her hand out to me, I didn't take my eyes from her face. She looked at me with a stone expression in her eyes; they kept lifting and then going inward. She was pleading, I think. "Your contact, I found it for you." Her emotions were now embarrassed and I realized that the blood had rushed to her face; she was looking out of the corner of her eyes at the table she just vacated. Embarrassment again, and fear. I decided to speak to her. "I don't wear contacts." I deliberately pulled my eyes from her eyes, wretched them away, more like. Slow torture. _No, it's not her!_ Brown, not red. I looked at her outstretched palm, which wavered slightly. I lifted my lips in a hopeless excuse for a smile and then turned and walked out of the cafeteria.

It was raining outside. I was thankful for the fresh air, and even more thankful for the water. Rain ran down my face. It was light, the pounding, forceful pour would come later, I was sure. I would wait. The harder the fall, the better.

Footsteps, then sloshing. They were heavier than my siblings' light gait. But the reminder made me make a mental note to Edward to let me be. I tilted my face upwards. The water felt good. It felt like a message, like a touch. I couldn't remember what touch felt like. But I always liked the rain; it's a weighty substitute.

The footsteps stopped behind me. I felt the emotions stronger than any I'd ever felt. It nearly capsized me. Then the voice, "I was just trying to save your ass back there." Exasperated.

I took a deep breath and turned around, not daring to breathe again. She was wet. Her clothes just beginning to cling to the skin beneath. Her face was harder outside, like the petal of a lilly withstanding the forces of nature. The drops falling down her cheeks, dew building upon her brow. She curled both her lips in, clenching them between her teeth. Her breath blew out forcing them to retain their original place on her face. Pink. The center of the flower. I lingered there. I cannot tell the amount of time that elapsed. The number eludes me.

Her emotions staggered, her eyes became slightly lidded, and her breath hitched in her throat. The taste. I was delirious. She stepped closer and I shifted my weight to inch further away. I could not steal my eyes away from her throat; she lifted it, under my gaze, making it inconceivably more desirable. "What, How did you save me?"

Her emotions then were like blows to me. Anger, curiosity. "You looked..." She stopped and blew out an angry burst of air from between her lips. The scent toppled me. I leant forward infinitesimally. My jaw clenched against the burn in my throat. She summoned up her confidence and continued, her voice barely a whisper. "You looked savage. You growled." Her eyes darted about, she was embarrassed again. I was surprised that she noticed my growl; I hoped that she was the only one. I was about to make up a story to relieve her worries, before she opened her mouth again, her mood was lighter but she was still curious. "It looked like you were ready to take out one of the lunch ladies for selling you a bad orange."

She stopped and her face was red again. She averted her eyes from mine. And her hands went into her jean pockets. When she spoke her next words were softer, less frustrated. "I know what its like to be laughed at. I just didn't…I couldn't sit with the crowd at my table and do that, to anyone." She paused again and I realized that her hair was now drenched and along with it the rest of her body and clothes. She had followed me outside without a jacket. My eyes roamed her body, and her partly exposed forearms, which had showed the raised bumps of the chill she was feeling.

I felt something. I felt bad. I felt regret for this human who would no doubt get sick for following me out into the cold and wet. What I must look like to her, savage. The word she used, echoed in my mind. I was savage. This I knew. But, again, I felt regret. I regretted that she recognized my inhuman nature. She saw the creature, the monster before her, and yet she stood there still.

I shrugged off my jacket and wrapped it around her arms. The proximity took hold of my venom and bought it to the gates of hell, clawed its damnable way to the tips of my teeth. I hadn't realized that I started breathing again. It was too instilled in my habitual nature. Everything else about this girl was distracting me. I was still holding onto the collar of my jacket at her neck. My collar. Her collar. Her neck…

She looked up, her face, so much paler than the rest of the humans. "I'm Bella." She just barely breathed out. She swallowed deeply. "Bella" I repeated. She just stared, thinking of what, I would never know. Then I _wanted_ to know. The thought redirected me for a moment; I would ask Edward what she was thinking. But instantly I hated that I wanted to know. That I would, without a doubt, be Edward's constant companion now, never leaving his side, garnering all that I could from her through him. I sighed, a sting bringing me back to the warmth between my hands. The twinge was her emotions.

She was…content. How could that be, she should be cringing away. Fleeing from the monster. Running away from me. My fingers instinctively tightened around the collar. Just as soon as the peace came it went. She was anxious, excited, and nervous. And her cheeks. Her cheeks. _Let me die, now. Right now, before she. Take me, oh shadows of death, so that she might be spared my eternal bite. No, not eternal. I would drain her, surely. Take me before I take her._ I was pleading with the unknown. I took a step backward, releasing my grasp on the jacket as I did so. "Bella, you should get inside. The nurse."

She looked confused. "Why?" Her brow puckered again, as it had in the cafeteria. "People get sick from prolonged periods outside in the rain and cold." I put on a smirk for her benefit, and added, "You could die." Her brow unfurled and she smiled a little. "Get inside, please. I don't need your death on my conscience." Too many crowd that darkened street already, I thought.

As she turned to leave she slipped her arms into the jacket that I'd placed around her. Another blow of emotion from her, intoxication. Interesting. She was burying her nose into my collar. Her collar, now. She sighed. She chuckled under her breath, as she stared up at me again, half turned back toward the school. I inclined my head, an instinctual reaction…I was gravitating toward the sound of her laugh, slight as it might be. "What?" I asked her. Then she rolled her eyes and laughed openly. "It's nothing. Thanks for your jacket Jasper."

I heard words escape my mouth without my permission. "How did you know my name Bella?" Of course I knew, but it would seem strange if I didn't inquire. She was blushing again, red was too bland a color for the color her cheeks. I decided it was rouge, cherry pink. Unique among all the other cherries. On top of her skin, which reminded me suddenly of a soap bubble, glistening as it floated in the air, turning to and fro finding a rainbow to catch within it. The pink, the most prominent shade now.

She was telling me what I already knew, words of gossip from my fellow students describing the Cullens to her. I was more interested in her voice, the tone. It seemed to reach a hand down my throat into my stomach and clench it. This feeling in my stomach seemed to retract the venom that I was trying to swallow in vain. It was throaty and calm, and abated my raging venom. Coaxing it back down my throat. I nearly thrummed from the feeling of it.

I was mesmerized by this entire encounter. Everything she did there was a spotlight on, and nothing went unseen. I took in everything. She started to turn and walk away and I realized that I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to entertain me some more, with her ever-staggering emotions and movements. Her voice...and her laugh...

This was not the woman that I loved in 1944. They were all together different. This was not Vera. When I had first seen Bella in the halls her skin caught my attention first. The pale, and soft milk. Though their hair was the same shade brown, Vera's had been all chopped off. No. It was more than this that drew me to Bella at first. She smelled of Vera. Moss and flowers, the particular smell of soil and sweet. And underneath it all, something that struck me to compare them in the first place, freesia and lavender. So sweet. But taking in Bella now, before me, so close I could reach out and dip my fingers into the bubble, I didn't see Vera. And for a moment I hated Bella for it. I wanted to rip her throat out, for taking away any flimsy reminder of my Vera. Though the anger was immediately replaced when I took in her smile. When I ran my eyes over her cheeks. When I stepped forward not of my own accord to be closer to the sweet soil._ Sweet. Soil. _Like a garden flanking a lake. Water and soil and flowers. _Rain, never cease your journey. Not when this is the prize, the destination. Bella._

Watching her start to walk back toward the school brought my attention back to earth. I saw two shadows lingering in the trees by the cafeteria. Edward. Alice. Their emotions were on guard, anticipating. Waiting for me to slip up and make a slight movement in the direction of Bella, of her sweet, translucent skin. How long had they been there, hiding in the trees? Immediately I was ashamed for risking such close contact with a human. I wanted to spit on the ground. I wanted to feel the pain of a bite just to place some name to the agony of such of a feeling. Regret, shame.

Bella was already ten feet away from me when Edward started to make his way from the shadows. Alice lingered beneath the trees. His hands were stiff in his pockets, like he was forcing all his energy into the small space there rather than hitting the pavement at his feet. He was furious. And the barely concealed glare on his face solidified that fury. Bella noticed him, her face darted back and forth between Edward and me, and then she narrowed her eyes, returning the glare Edward was now directing at her. They were nearly ten feet from one another; Edward gave himself some distance from her. I felt it, the change of his emotions, a direct reaction from the wind that blew then. It whipped around Bella's hair and made its torturing dance in Edward's direction, bringing with it her crippling scent.


	3. Thunder

**Chapter 3**

"_You seek up a big monster for him to fight your wars for you. But when he finds _

_his way to you, the devil's not going."_

_Dave Matthews-Seek Up_

**Jasper**

He lunged forward, the lion intending to attack his prey. There was no hesitancy in his movement though; he was already in motion to kill. His throat was in my hand then. Before I realized I had moved, he was lifted above me and thrown clear across the parking lot. My teeth were bared, the rage that flew with Edward came down into me again and I was crouching, lower than before, I was on all fours now, ready to push off from the ground with full force, if Edward were to come back at me. He was still flying through the air when I saw Alice flit from the trees and come to him. He straightened out and landed on his feet. He started running back toward me; ignoring the petrified look Alice gave us. I ran full speed at him. He tried to dodge around me but I intercepted him, and we collided. The rain was cut in its vertical decline as we flew through it, and as we clashed it thundered around us.

His eyes were pitch black; his teeth were bared in a feral growl. His face was not his own. "Edward!" I heard Emmett call. He was behind Edward in an instant, pulling him away from me. His voice was strained as he wrestled with the now bestial Edward in his arms. "What is going on?" He was looking at me for an answer. I restrained Edward's throat in one hand, the other pressing against his torso, careful not to rip him to shreds. I had to control myself. The hostile situation was awakening the war within me. Rosalie came to stand by us, with a frantic expression on her face.

I heard a whimper from behind me. _Oh no_. "Emmett, Rosalie, get him out of here. Take him away, I don't care where." I nearly growled at them. They lingered there for a moment, and it was too long in my opinion, so I yelled, "GO!" And I pushed on the struggling Edward, and Emmett started to walk backwards with him in his arms. I looked at Rosalie. "Rose!" And I gestured to Edward and Emmett, she immediately took my place, restraining his throat, and pushing him back. She looked at me, and then Alice, who stood close by looking bewildered. "We'll take him home Alice, come on." And they left in a flurry, through the forest.

I stood there breathing heavily, the rain coming down harder._ I knew it would come._ The pour. The pounding. The thunder. I turned around slowly; regret again seeping through my skin, like acid rain. With every drop I felt sick. I saw her. She was on the ground, she must have fallen back in astonishment, or when I stood in front of her before Edward. Did I push her down? Maybe. I started to walk slowly toward her. Her eyes were plastered to my face, I wasn't sure if she was aware. She looked too shocked to be lucid. I reached her and knelt down, not daring to touch her. "Bella?" She reacted to her name, the slightest widening of her eyes. "It's alright. You're fine. Can you stand? Are you at all injured?" She swallowed and then stuttered. "Jasper. Wha…" She stopped mid sentence, her mouth agape. Her eyes bored into mine, I felt them reach all the way to the back of my mind and grab hold. "I'm going to pick you up Bella. I won't hurt you. I'm taking you inside."

She didn't make any sign that she had heard me, though I felt her emotions ebb away from the fear that was consuming her. She was merely shocked, and still so curious. I leant forward and touched her knee, then wound my hand beneath her leg; she lifted the other to meet my hand so that I could cradle them both. My arm wound around her back, warmth. Such warmth. It invaded me. Torched my already flawed surface and licked a deep fire beneath my chest, in my stomach, heating my limbs, and weighing me down as I had never been weighted before. I felt that I belonged to the earth then. I was no longer a flighty creature of this dirt and graveled world, but I was one with it. I was a part of the core, the fire that burned in the center of it all…that erupted in volcanoes, and kept the semblance of all things. I was always separate from it. Other. I never fit. Something locked into place. I fit. Finally, I was of this earth. And I could not conceive of a more wondrous and terrifying feeling. It filled me, and enveloped me in its caress. It felt as if hands came up from beneath my feet and grabbed onto my ankles, taking hold, for the first time. Does everyone feel this? Is this normal? What is this feeling?

She was on the cot now, in the nurse's office. She was sitting watching me. She was still. Stoic. The nurse came back with two thermometers, and placed one beneath each of our tongues. "Mr. Hale, please take a seat. I insist." She was becoming worried, since I came in and refused to be tended to. I conceded for her sake, and took the seat and thermometer without argument. The nurse had wrapped a blanket around Bella's shoulders, and was putting one around me, mumbling something about Fork's weather and staying indoors at lunchtime. I was unable to pay full attention though; Bella had not taken her eyes off of me since we came in. I wanted the nurse to be gone so that I might give my blanket to Bella and put the thermometer under a light bulb. I coughed then, and asked for a lozenge. The nurse flitted to her desk that was in the same room and produced one for me and gave another to Bella. She was impossible. I told her I would need to call my father at the hospital, but that his office number was just changed so I didn't know it. She looked concerned. But she was never distrustful. "I'll check with Mrs. Cope." The door closed behind her.

I stood and handed Bella my blanket, not wanting to touch her again. She didn't reach for it though, so I draped it about her shoulders careful not linger there. I quickly moved to the lamp on the Nurse's desk and touched the thermometer to the bulb. Bella eyed me speculatively, her own thermometer sticking from her mouth. I smiled at her. "My father's number hasn't changed." She didn't smile back. _Suspicion_. I sighed. I wasn't going to get out of this. She saw everything. I just hoped I could come up with a feasible explanation for the wild scene that had just occurred.

She shivered, and her eye contact broke with mine. She tightened her hands around the sea foam green blankets. So fragile. The heat in the room was not enough for her. She was still drenched; she needed to get out of her clothes into something dry. "Bella. I'm taking you home." She looked at me with narrowed eyes. I removed the thermometer from the bulb and reached for hers. 99.6. She was feverish. Good. The nurse would be more willing to let me drive her home. I placed it back under her tongue.

The nurse came in then. "Jasper, the receptionist is calling your father." I nodded, unconcerned, but feigning it. I didn't have to pretend really, I was dying inside to get Bella dry. I cleared my throat handing my thermometer to her. Her face scrunched and grew worse when she looked at Bella's. "Oh my. You've both got fevers. I'll have to call your parents and have them come for you." Bella groaned then. "Really, I'm feeling fine. Plus I drove here in my truck; I'll just drive home myself. Charlie has his, my dad, I mean, has his hands full with work."

I looked the woman in the face, and pushed acceptance on to her. I eased it on though, as I explained to her my intentions. With every word I made it more apparent, made her understand, and acquiesce to my wishes. "I drove too. I'll take Bella home, and then I'll drive home myself. If you let us sign out early, I'm sure we'll be well enough once we get dry and out of these clothes." I gave her my best toothless smile. And she nearly melted before me. A strong and smart woman, of course, but not immune to my talent. I smiled a little more. She dropped her chin as her cheeks became flushed. "Oh, that sounds alright. I suppose if you're feeling well enough Jasper."

Then she remembered Bella, "Are you okay with that dear?" I found myself holding my breath. Something I had been doing less of since Edward's attack. She stared back into the nurse's face. I dared not affect Bella's emotions. If she didn't want me to drive her home, I would let her drive herself. Though I was sure that I would follow her to make sure she arrived safely. I saw a heat mark her cheeks. It leapt off of them and attacked me, wringing my insides with its strength. I felt the warmth consume me. Her answer was simple, "Yes, I am fine with that."


	4. Lightning

**Chapter 4**

_"I've this creeping suspicion that things are not as they seem. Reassure me. Why do I feel as if I'm in too deep" _

_Dave Matthews-The Stone_

**Bella**

Jasper made me wait underneath the awning while he went to get his car. I felt lightheaded, and I couldn't tell if I was profusely sweating or if it was just my wet clothes. Either way I was uncomfortable and felt like I would scream if I weren't dry soon. I wanted to shout at the skies, raise my fists and shake them at the thunder that rumbled around me. The thought made me smile. Forks.

As reluctant as I was to go to Forks in the first place, and as dreary as most of the day had been, since the moment in the cafeteria when I saw them, nothing had been as I expected. He had caught my eye, like a beacon. Sitting with his family. Hunched over in his seat, honey blonde hair, a disarray of sun strewn about his perfectly angular face. All of them were so perfect I nearly cried just looking at their beauty. Some hidden secret in the Fork's water surely. But no, they were new too, a year riper than I.

He sat staring at an orange in his hands, seemingly contemplating life's mysteries. I didn't know, just that he was so intent. His focus so laser like. I wanted to know what was going through his mind. No. I could never speak to such an intimidating creature. Creature….that was the perfect word. None of them looked like they fit here, they belonged to the pages of imagination. Yes, only there could such an exquisite sight be real.

The girl that sat with me, Jessica, was explaining their situation to me, enlightening me to all the Fork's gossip about the Cullens. Though only one took the actual name of his adoptive father, Edward Cullen. The others were Alice and Emmett McCarty, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The twins. It was easy to see, even if Jessica hadn't told me, that Jasper was the only single one of the family.

I thought I saw his eyes flicker my way a few times, but that may have been my imagination. He was up out of his seat before I realized he'd moved. He walked as if floating, making his way to the exit. His eyes, so dark. He looked like he was in so much pain. The act of walking, literally, looked as though it hurt him. The dark circles beneath his eyes emphasizing the look of anguish on his face. I couldn't take my eyes off him, I wasn't even sure if Jessica was still talking to me. All I saw was him. Leaving. His back toward me, yet still the most enticing thing I'd seen.

The next thing I knew he was crouched in the opposite direction, and I heard a low rippling sound come from him. Was that a growl? No. What was happening? Minutes, hours, days. It seemed an eternity that I sat there watching him, bent over hands like claws at his sides, tension emanating from every inch of his body pulsating the very air around him. It was like watching a whip in slow motion, deliver its torment on the space it lashed through. His teeth were bared. Was this a scary sight? Surely, it was. Why was I so calm? If I took myself out of my body for a moment and evaluated the vision, he looked like a monster, if I were an artist I would have depicted him with foam running down his chin. Feral.

But I could not take myself out of my body. And I was not frightened, just curious, and most of all stunned.

Something brought me back down to earth; the kids at my table were snickering. I noticed with an immediate loathsome taste in my mouth that they were staring at him, and rolling their eyes. I stood almost on instinct and their eyes were surprised at the sudden movement. I walked away not knowing where I was going, but then I knew. And he was there in front of me. So close, I could feel the pressure in the air, the strike of the whip still pulsating. Though rather than inflict pain, it enveloped me. I could barely breathe the pressure was so thick. _Who was this person?_

He was leaving. I hadn't even noticed he stood from his position. Without thinking I blurted out, "Wait!" I made up some excuse about finding his contact. Hoping the beasts at my table would see and chalk up his behavior to a lost and found. _Lost. Found._

His stare was like nothing I had experienced in my life up until that point. I had become the orange. He was looking at me as if I was, detestable? He looked as if I was confounding him rather than the other way around. And yet, his eyes, shadows of a color they were so dark, looked passionate. As if he were about to embrace me after a long absence.

I can't remember my words; I was dumbfounded and stuttering, no doubt. Yet I remember every one of his from that moment, the first he spoke to me. "I don't wear contacts." My face must have looked pained, the smooth, languid texture of his voice struck through my chest. And it hurt. I blinked and he was gone. Just gone. Vanished in the thick air, that was suddenly lightened around me. The pressure in my chest lessening with him gone. Where did he go? I instantly missed the tension and wished for it again. I left the cafeteria behind and then followed an invisible line that drew me to him, outside on the edge of the parking lot, by a silver car, his back toward me.

I made my way toward him, the bottom of my jeans getting soaked in the process, old puddles from last night's rain. I hadn't noticed the light drizzle that had started to come down. It was a testament to how utterly out of my mind I was at that moment not to hesitate in stepping out into the rain.

"I was just trying to save your ass back there." I think I even thumbed in the direction of the school. Dramatic much? I clenched my fists at my side, what was I doing out here with this stranger, this strange, _beyond strange_ man-child? He must have been at least 19. At least. Forget what _I _was doing here, what was _he_ doing here…he belonged in a…where did he belong? Something in my stomach fluttered, and I ignored it, pushing it beyond the reaches of thought.

He was staring at me. Did I blink again? I hadn't even realized he turned around. His eyes were surveying, moving up and down my body. Who the _hell_ was this guy? I realized in the light of day, that his eyes were not just shadows of a color, but were just black. Pitch even. I shuddered. They stabbed me, with their depth. I wondered what images must pass behind those black eyes for such detest and yet such longing to show themselves on the other side.

"What, how did you save me?" His voice left no echo of what I saw in his eyes. It was as if he were somewhere else, relaying a message to a machine to deliver to me. Of course, he was bored. I was stalking him, out in the rain, no less. Pushing myself onto him, new girl angst. How did I save him? I didn't, why did I say that to begin with? I just wanted to go inside and forget this ever happened. Let the kids laugh; I would hang my head and be silent. That's what new girls did, right? That's what they should do. They shouldn't chase after blonde angels in the rain, claiming to be their savior.

_I didn't save you. Let me run away. Let me go now. _That's what I wanted to say. In a whisper too, defeated like. And then I pictured myself running away with my head hung. And when I was close to the awning of the school I would trip and fall in a puddle, new and old water drowning my last puny vestiges of esteem.

I pictured his face then, as I lay in a puddle face down and smudged from the pavement. He would growl, and crouch down. And then I remembered lunch, a lifetime ago, someone else's life. "You looked…" the word feral came to mind, especially since added the foam dripping from his mouth in my imagination. But I thought that was harsh. "You looked savage, You growled."

I had to say growled didn't I? People don't growl, not the way he did. Great first impression, all around. He would think I was crazy. The sooner this whole debacle was finished the better, the sooner I could go inside and crawl in a hole somewhere. Apparently my grave wasn't deep enough because I decided to lighten the mood, "It looked like you were ready to take out one of the lunch ladies for selling you a bad orange." _And the nail in the coffin was sealed. _

I decided then and there I would never look at another orange, no another piece of fruit, ever again. I would always be reminded of this embarrassment. My obsession. _Yes, I watched you at lunch, and then I stalked you out here. And am now making a complete ass of myself._

But then I remembered how the seasoned veterans of cruel were laughing at him, and I checked my irrational embarrassment. "I know what its like to be laughed at. I just didn't…I couldn't sit with the crowd at my table and do that, to anyone." Again, before I realized, his arms were around me, at my throat. He had put something on me, his jacket. He was giving me his jacket? To say that I was stunned beyond words would be an understatement. It took all of my control to not hyperventilate right then and there. The pressure that built within me was too strong, it felt that I might jump out of my skin at any moment to escape the sheer force of it.

His blonde hair was falling perfect and wet against his forehead. There was a glow building upon his pale face, the dew from the previously very dreary day outside. I could not remember what was 'dreary' about Forks looking up at him.

I realized that I hadn't even introduced myself. I looked up at his very close face. Hovering above me like a ghost against a grey sky. "I'm Bella." He said my name then, "_Bella."_ And I crashed and burned, and then was reborn again. It sounded like the sweetest chime coming from his lips. Deep and searing, my name from his voice. Me from him.

I felt him tighten his grasp on the collar around my neck. And the look in his black eyes, pulled me tighter with the grasp. And then he let go. Moving away from me and looking down, breaking the contact. Breaking me. His forehead was creasing like he was trying to figure the most intricate of math problems in his mind. No, not math. Something else. No one ever looked so intense moving around decimals.

"Bella, you should get inside. The nurse."

The nurse? "Why?"

"People get sick from prolonged periods outside in the rain and cold." He smiled then, but it looked false to me. His eyes retained a sort of sadness, his face muscles looked tense against the bones beneath. Agonized. "You could die."

I felt my face relax. His did not. "Get inside, please. I don't need your death on my conscience." I took his advice. After all, it's what I wanted all along, to get away. To run back inside and forget this ever happened. I turned to leave; as I did I put the jacket on properly. The scent of it, wafted up to me. I couldn't help burying my nose into it. It was autumn, a burning wood smell, yet sweeter. Like spice and sand, and cedar. The sap of trees. Christmas. Happiness. No words could accurately describe the scent. I was undone. I remembered my audience.

His head was inclined toward me, his chin tucked as if in waiting. He looked wondrous. "What?" He asked me. I laughed at being caught, "It's nothing. Thanks for your jacket, Jasper."

"How did you know my name Bella?"

Oh. "The girl at my lunch table, Jessica Stanley, she told me. I was curious." I shrugged hoping that would be enough of an explanation. I figured that would be an appropriate time to start walking away. He looked as if he had nothing to add.

I was busy repeatedly inhaling the cuffs of his jacket, which I had not rolled back, and were encasing my fists. Glorious, cedar. Perfect wood and sap and fire. Edward, the other one, the bronze haired one, the Cullen. He was walking toward me, toward Jasper. I looked back, an instinct. Jasper's face was the placid statue on top of the burning beneath. I knew it was there, the burn, though I knew not why. I turned back to Edward, who looked as if I were bait to a hook he was about to throw into the lake. Like he wanted to gut me. And the glare nearly did. His eyes just as black as Jasper's.

The black seemed to overcome his entire face within a second. I fell to the ground then, the cuffs of Jasper's jacket preventing my palms from scraping on the pavement. I opened my eyes and Jasper was crouched again, on all fours, in front of me. Edward was in the air at least 50 feet away. So high. Higher than the trees behind him in the distance. Impossibly high.

He landed then, so fast, as if time was slowed down, and he landed on his feet, unscathed! His feet barely touched the ground before he was a blur. And then Jasper was gone; my eyes couldn't catch up to reality. And then the loud thunder, and my eyes landed on Jasper, he was growling again. The look on Edward's face, the feral snarl. Worse than the one on Jasper's face in the cafeteria. Worse even than my imagination, and the feral foam. Edward was raging against Jasper's restraining arms, one hand of which was strangled around Edward's throat.

I saw the other one; the muscled brother was behind Edward then, pulling him away from Jasper. And then the blonde girl came running out, too fast. I heard shouts but couldn't keep up with the words. All of them were too fast to exist in reality. And then they were gone, with the little one, the spiked haired girl. They disappeared in a flash into the forest behind. Faster than lightening they flew.

Jasper started walking toward me, his smooth glide slicing through the space that separated us. My eyes were glued to his face. He was talking to me, and then his hands were on me, lifting me, and then I was floating. My head spun, and I was sure that I would have drifted away if I was not so immediately anchored by his embrace.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I stood there waiting for Jasper to pull up. He didn't say anything to me as I followed him outside. The first and last words were to stay underneath the awning and wait for him. I watched him get in the car, reverse, and pull up in front of me. There was a beat long enough for my heart to stop. I took a deep breath, stepped forward and pulled open the car door to the silver Volvo.


	5. Track Star

**Chapter 5**

"_What you are Is the beast in a lover's arms_

_What you are Is the devil in the sweet, sweet kiss_

_What you are Is missing a piece_

_What you are Is a puzzle to me."_

_Dave Matthews-What You Are_

**Jasper**

I had to hot wire the Volvo. The keys were with Edward. I didn't understand why he reacted the way he did. In all the time I had known him, I'd never seen him so unhinged. He had always been so restrained. He taught me to abstain from human blood. I needed to correct the situation, to keep my family's secret hidden.

Bella had seen the fight; she was wide-eyed and speechless in reaction to the inhuman speed and strength.

She waited motionless in front of the school; her eyes never left me. Her gaze was a laser. The pain on my back in the lunchroom had been her watching me. I found no other explanation for the burn. I had felt it again while we stood in the rain, the fire pulsating from her eyes straight into mine, a throbbing flame. It was the same ache, an intense, overheated pressure.

She opened the door, and then we were sitting beside each other in my brother's Volvo, and I was driving her home. _I was driving a human home._ I immediately clenched my jaw at the scent of Bella in an enclosed space. I tried not to breathe, but I couldn't help opening every sense available to me, to drink the very air around her.

She took a ragged breath, "Make a left out of the parking lot."

I put the car in drive made the left onto the street. I knew where Chief Swan lived, everyone in town did, vampire or not. But I let her give me directions without interruption.

I remained silent, concentrating on not killing her, trying to ignore the erratic thrumming of her heart.

I wanted nothing more than to leave this all behind me, I needed to dissuade her surely already raging imagination.

**Bella**

I was staring at him, unable to pay attention to the road, I told him how to get to my house, and then I tried to collect my thoughts. I wanted to hear him say something. Anything. Mostly I needed to know what I saw earlier.

My voice didn't sound like my own, it was softer and I could barely hear myself. "Who are you?" The rain was warring with the windshield wipers, the only sound in between us. There was no music playing in the car when I got in, which made the rain seem even louder in its assault on the car.

His hands tightened on the wheel when I asked him. I saw the muscles in his neck go taught, the one in his jaw jutting out from frustration. He looked murderous. His voice seething, "You know who I am."

I stared at him, willing him to look at me. He never took his eyes from the road, though it didn't look as if he was seeing that either. "Do I?"

I finally broke his focus; his eyes darting to me, and then down at his lap, and back up again toward the sea outside. He nearly hissed at me, "What do you want?" It didn't seem as though he was even talking to me, it was as if he were asking himself. "Whatever you think I am, you're wrong." He was staring at me then, I looked around. We had stopped. I was home. But I had no intention of breaking the conversation.

"Jasper, I saw your brother 50 feet in the air, he landed on his feet! And then you were both gone, disappeared? And then you were there again, at each other's throats. I don't know, I can't…I can't figure it out. But you all move so fast, impossibly fast. None of this makes any sense. Who are you Jasper?"

There were no adequate words to explain, to rationalize what I saw. But he didn't look confused, or look at me like he thought I was crazy. Which solidified everything I said, and didn't say, and couldn't say. He wasn't saying anything; his gaze slipped from mine and held the rain again. His eyebrows came together and he quickly flicked the heat on inside the car. I felt the air whip around my hair slightly. I had completely forgotten that it was still wet. _Maybe I should pray for pneumonia. Don't they send you to sunny places when you get that? Don't they recommend bright, dry, open fields and hillsides, when you get pneumonia? _

"Look, I'm the new girl right? I don't know anyone here." I wanted to start playing myself a violin. "I thought the kids I met today were fine enough, until…" _Until they started laughing at you_. "…I guess I don't really get along with many people." I was floundering and fast. "The point is, I won't laugh at you. I won't think you're a monster. You can tell me. I know what I saw Jasper."

His face flinched back to me. "No you don't! Don't say things that you don't understand." His tone was harsher, curt.

"Explain it to me then. I told you, I won't judge."

He laughed then. "Bella." _If liquid gold had a voice. _"You're making a big deal out of nothing, my siblings and I have short temperaments, and have all been trained in the martial arts. I'm not surprised you saw something that was frightening, or even unbelievable. I have track medals to prove it."

**Jasper**

That damnable curiosity, it never dampened. I would be lying in a pool of it all day if I didn't convince her that what she saw was just a bout of anger misplacement teamed with athletic prowess.

She didn't look convinced, she looked disbelieving in fact. Her lips were parted slightly as if in preparation to gasp or question me further. I took the opportunity to escape the situation. "You should get out."

_Hurt._ I hurt her, I realized what I said was harsh. Did I care? No. Maybe. "You should go inside." I tailored it to take the edge off, if for nothing else than to leave her in a better mood to more readily accept my lies.

She nodded. "I guess I'll see you around." She grabbed her bag, and with a wave of frustration opened the car door and shut it behind her. I watched as she trudged up the front of her lawn, she must have slipped on the wet grass; her arms flew up over her head as she was pitched forward. She caught herself with her hands before she completely fell, but I found myself very curious as to the nature of that mishap. Then I realized that I found it endearing, funny even. And I wanted to laugh out loud. But I didn't. I felt her embarrassment hit me, and then she was even angrier than before. And that made me want to smile.

As she unlocked the door and walked inside I peeled away as fast as the tires would allow. I needed to get away. I rolled down all the windows and breathed deeply. I needed to get home, and face my family. Edward and I were going to have to talk.


	6. Grace is Gone

**Chapter 6**

"_Take my heart, take my eyes, I need them no more._

_If never again they fall __upon the one I so adore._

_I don't need to think. She broke my heart. My Grace is Gone_

_Anot__her drink and I'll be gone"_

_Dave Matthews-Grace is Gone_

**Jasper**

I didn't sense Edward when I pulled into the garage. I didn't waste time when I entered the living room; I couldn't risk anyone asking me questions about Bella. Emmett stood behind the couch with his arms folded. Rosalie sat with Esme on the couch, her hand on Esme's shoulder. Carlisle entered the room when he heard me come in.

"Where is he?" I had to work hard to control my voice and not growl at my family.

Emmett was the first to speak, "Alice took him to the mountains. They're hunting."

Everyone was too calm for me; I wanted to punch in the side of the house. I didn't know where my anger was directed, except that it was there, boiling to the surface.

I started pacing. "What does he have to say for himself?" I looked to Carlisle. "Do you realize what he's done?" I nearly shouted.

Carlisle nodded only slightly. "Yes Jasper, we've been going over this since it happened." His emotions were tamed, sad but speculative.

"And? Do you know the girl saw everything? Do you know that our secret is about to be Forks' next topic for gossip, Washington and then the world? Do any of you understand what this has cost us?" I was looking around at every face, pleading for them to be angry, get up and look worried. _Something._ They remained still.

Rosalie was getting annoyed, "Do you think we don't realize Jasper? What were you doing with the human in the first place? This can be construed as all your fault."

Of course I knew she was right. But I didn't respond to her, instead I needed to hear from Carlisle. My voice was reined in now, "Carlisle, what reason did he give for his actions? He is arguably the most restrained of us all aside from yourself."

His eyes darted to Emmett, and he nodded. "It is something that is rare in our kind. But it has happened to Emmett before. The Swan girl was a temptation to Edward that he has never come across. Her blood leashed onto his senses, and very nearly got her killed today, if it weren't for you. We all owe you our thanks, and our continual anonymity."

I was shaking my head before he even finished, "What do you mean 'her blood leashed onto his senses?' I very nearly killed her myself. What are you telling me?"

"Jasper, it was no ordinary lure. Edward _could not_ resist. The blood called to him like it never has. I imagine you will want to speak with him to get his account. But I can tell you that once he was pulled from the girl's presence, he was himself again, and he was immeasurably repentant. He is beating himself up enough about this Jasper. I implore you to be amenable to his side of things before you act rashly."

None of this made sense. I was the least controlled out of everyone, he the most. And yet_ I_ was the one who saved the girl from _him._ If I hadn't been there to interfere she would be cold by now, drained of her heat.

The vision of Bella Swan slung lifeless in Edward's cold, dead arms assaulted my thoughts. _If I hadn't been there._ But then again, if I weren't there, she wouldn't have been outside to begin with. Would it be in the cafeteria where he took her life? Did they have a class together after lunch? Would her blood be splattered against the loosely decorated windows of Forks High? My mind turned Edward into more of a monster than I had ever known him to be. He did not usually spray his victim's blood, but the vision of Bella dead was accompanied by her insides coating the surrounding area.

No. Never. I would never let that happen. _Not again._ She would live. I couldn't let her go. Which meant that I had to let her go. She was not mine to _let._

I fought that war once, the belligerent face of love wreaking havoc on my insides. I would never succumb to the strife of loss again. I would never offer my hands up to be shackled by my heart again. The fire still burned in my memories, charring me alive continuously for 60 years.

"So what is to happen to us? How do we proceed?" I needed to straighten out the specifics in my mind.

Carlisle had moved to sit down next to Esme. He took her hand into his own and sat with his elbows on his knees. "We think it's best if Edward go to Denali. We shouldn't tempt fate. There is no reason to dangle such a temptation in front of him if there are other options. And surely there are."

I was nodding, this was what I figured would happen. "And what of the rest of us?"

For the first time Carlisle was feeling unsteady. His emotions alerted me to his discomfort. "I'm not sure Jasper. On the one hand, we don't want to split the family up. But on the other, we don't want to add an increased suspicion our way. If we all leave, we won't be able to defend ourselves against Bella's accusations, which we can claim to be hysterical due to any number of factors."

I leaned against the entranceway to the living room, feeling more relaxed now that we were talking details. "Wouldn't it be wise for Edward to stick around, perhaps at a distance so that we might learn something from her thoughts? We should be prepared for whatever she is thinking." I wanted to be on the offensive with Bella, and Edward's mind reading would allow us that. But if I was being honest, I craved to know what Bella was thinking for selfish reasons, though I wasn't entirely sure what those reasons were.

I felt a sudden spark of anxiety seep into the atmosphere. No one spoke. "What is it?"

Carlisle answered me, "Edward says that Bella's mind is closed to him. He cannot hear her thoughts. He tried to get through, but he couldn't break the barrier."

What! "How is that possible? Does this have something to do with the call of her blood?"

Carlisle shook his head. "I have no precedent on which to base this, Jasper. Edward has never been blocked before. There is history of shielding powers evident within our kind, but Edward has not been hindered before." He was looking at Esme. "I don't know if this child is a threat to us, or if she is merely a bump in the road. I'm hoping Alice sees something."

"So Edward will definitely be going to Denali then?"

Carlisle nodded, though his face showed his hesitancy. He did not want to be distanced from Edward, even if it was for a short time.

Emmett spoke from behind the couch, "The three of us will stay enrolled. Alice will go with Edward, of course. We can say they are studying abroad, or living with our cousins. It shouldn't be a big cause for question." He shrugged adding to his nonchalance.

"We graduate this year anyway, and then we can move on." Rosalie was still feeling sour about the whole situation. But she was right; we could leave in June and never look back, not for a long, long…long time.

I felt Esme worrying, it had lessened when she saw that I was not running around throwing tables through walls, but I still felt it. Esme had such an altruistic spirit, her compassion made it difficult for me to indulge in my anger. I walked over to her and knelt before her. I didn't reach out and touch her, but I did send her a wave of calm. She looked up at me from beneath her eyelashes and her golden eyes lightened. She smiled and I felt an overwhelming sense of love overcome me. I smiled back.

I stood and moved away from the couch. "When will Alice and Edward return?"

Emmett answered, "Three days." It sounded like a question. "Who knows? You know them." He smiled broadly, "Are you in the mood to hunt Rose? I could eat."

"Yes, later though." I felt concern from her, and her eyes shifted ever so slightly in the direction of Esme. She didn't want to leave her.

I needed to hunt. Badly. "I'm going. I won't go far."

Carlisle stopped me, "Before you go, you should tell us what Bella said. How did you explain yourself?"

Of course, I nearly forgot. "She was mostly shocked. I took her to the nurse, and she was running a slight fever. I insisted on taking her home; as I wanted to gather what she did, in fact, see. She did see it. Though she didn't, and still doesn't, understand what she saw. I imagine she's trying to rationalize it all right now."

They were feeling incredibly on edge. I was talking about a human witnessing our abilities, our secret nigh on being uncovered. "And what did you tell her?" Carlisle asked.

"I said that we were trained in the martial arts, and that she simply stumbled upon an argument gone awry."

Rosalie snorted, "And did she believe that?"

I shook my head, "She is adamant that she saw something, but still ignorant. It's certainly not the last we've heard from her, I just don't know what conclusions she'll come up with on her own."

Rosalie let out a sigh, "I will take care of this. She won't be talking about us for long."

I felt my eyes narrow, "What do mean?"

"Relax Jasper, I won't touch the girl. There are easier ways to persuade someone."

That answer didn't suffice for me. It made me feel uneasy. But I didn't press the point, I found no reason why I should. I suddenly felt very suffocated, and I needed to leave. "I have to hunt."

I left the room and exited through the front door. I ran my hands through my hair. It was still damp from earlier. The rain was becoming a light shower again. Ahead of me was the forest, the darkness; the deep blister against the grey skies. I yearned to be one with it. The encroaching twilight outside was too light; I needed to be indiscernible from the shadows. I took off into the trees.


	7. Vera

**Chapter 7**

"_I dream myself a thousand times around the world but I can't get out of this place._

_There's an emptiness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in._

_But all the colors mix together - to grey._

And it breaks her heart"

_Dave Matthews-Grey Street_

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_She was reciting it over and over again. "All I want is peace, all I want is peace. I need no God. Just. Give. Me. Peace. Her eyes tightly sh__ut against reality as she rocked back and forth reciting her peace mantra. _

_She heard noises. She felt hands tighten around her arms, some around her torso. She did not hurt. There was no pain accompanied with the grips. Her eyes flashed open to see this miracle for herself._

**Jasper**

As I felt the rush of life leave the buck deer, I wanted to be able to surrender to the death just as easily. I ran my hand up the length of his antlers, smooth as bone branching upward like the clawing limbs of a tree, piercing tips, deadly in an attack. Not deadly to me, unfortunately, for both of us.

I hated the hunt. I was too vulnerable to my feelings when I pushed back my defenses and opened up my senses. The pain overtook me, and I fell hunched over onto the dirt and leaves. My hands made their own claws, gripping into the soil of the earth beneath me. I wanted to crawl into the ground and wait for eternity to pass me by.

My fingers started to tremble as I held on to the base of the forest. The memory took hold of me, threatening to set me on fire. But of course, the flame would never literally form. It would sear me just as surely as if it were, but I would never cease to exist from the pain. The memories pulled me in. _The first time. Vera._

XxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"Him!" I pointed at the newborn. "Bring him here."

He looked afraid, of course. They all did. I had no time for fear. Though it did wear on me. It bored me. The same thing, never ending, fear. And worse when it was new fear.

He was brought to me, the minions clutching at his sides and arms, habit. They were used to a struggle. This one was giving none.

"What are you called new one? Why are you dressed so?" He was in filthy rags. They were striped, bloody, and ripped. The latter were expected consequences of the Change. If I recall, I ripped my uniform clear off.

He was apprehensive, but also relieved, for what I couldn't fathom, nor did I care. Emotions were always running rampant around me, many seemingly random to an outside observer…me. Always me.

"I asked you a question. Two, in fact. Think you'd like to give one or a couple of them a try?" My tone was harsh, stern, but it was all a part of the game that I decided long ago I would play. I did my part.

I hadn't really looked into the newborn's face. I hardly gave myself to pay attention too closely anymore. And I rarely stole myself to look into their eyes. Always the same, crimson. Blood red.

I didn't care what his name was nor why he was dressed in the manner he was, I was just playing my part, by participating. Acting like I cared, issuing my commands, instilling fear.

He was so skinny, so very frail looking. His cheeks were hollowed in, the bones jutting out. I looked at his arms; they were merely bones and skin. This wouldn't do. It had to have been a mistake that he was chosen to be changed. He looked too weak to do much in a fight.

Where the cloth from his sleeves was torn I made out a tattoo. It was faded as ink usually is after the transformation. It was a number, 15032. The same number was donned on the front of the stripped shirt.

He opened his mouth, and the voice that came out was a high-pitched bell. It was not that of a man. This was a woman. "Vera. This is my…" She paused taking note of something. "This is what we wear."

She had a thick accent. Though she spoke English well. I wasn't familiar with the accent. I couldn't imagine what she was doing in Texas.

I had never been fooled by the sex of a newborn before. Her hair was buzzed short though, I automatically assumed she was a man. I was intrigued, a near impossible thing to do, back then when all I knew was war.

I soon found out that I had that in common with Vera. Oh, but her pain was so much greater than mine. I felt her loss through her, and she quickly consumed me.

I didn't let my feelings for her show, I couldn't let Maria notice and out of jealousy or spite destroy Vera. But each day I watched her. I watched her training to be a vampire warrior. I watched her struggle with causing harm to others. I felt it.

She could not acclimate to this life. She felt too much compassion; every blow she delivered was intensified one hundred times over unto her. And I felt it every time. Her pain had a sound; it was a searing scream, a never-ending cry of torment, of agony.

She came from Poland and was taken from her home in 1941 and imprisoned in the Ravensbruck women's concentration camp. In 1942 her and her mother were transferred to Auschwitz. I had heard of the atrocities occurring under Adolf Hitler's regime from word of mouth. I had little motivation to pay attention to the goings on in the human world.

Though upon meeting Vera, and hearing her speak of her life in Auschwitz, I was ashamed that I paid so little attention to the genocide occurring in the world.

She desired no revenge for the gross crimes that were committed against her and her family. And so she could not even imagine her enemies with the faces of her tormentors. She was weak. _Make her strong,_ the soldier in me said. _This is not the strength she needs._

I was unaware why I thought that, but in hindsight I realized it was the human in me.

I took her away from there. We ran together, and never looked back, of course until now.

Vera had the power of "destination," as we called it. She desired peace and was brought to me. She joked that I was her destiny. And from there we named her power. She thought of where she wanted to be, closed her eyes and willed herself to be there.

She didn't like to talk about the human memories that accompanied the emotions she always felt. I only got bits and pieces sparingly.

She spoke of her younger sister, Anna, and how her hair smelled when she used to be able to brush it, of soap. She described in detail how thick and long it was, and that it waved slightly, as hers used to.

Anna was too young; they had taken her straight from the train to the crematorium upon their arrival to the Ravensbruck camp.

I had never sent so many waves of calm to anyone in my existence. Her pain was so great I felt as if a thousand enemies were latching onto my skin with their teeth tearing it to pieces.

Her mother had died the year before of Diphtheria. She said simply, that she was surprised that she lasted for so long after the separation of all but one of her family members.

I remarked on her good English, and she told me that it was her mother who had taught her. Her parents both knew the language and were teachers in Poland before the war. Her mother said that it would be wise to know English when the war was over, when the Americans liberated them.

She hadn't seen her father or younger brother since their original separation in 1941. She knew nothing of their fate.

I found myself being thawed out from my miserable militant lifestyle, into one of continuous torturing pain and some measure of peace. It was her, though she was in pain, we found love within one another. And I wanted nothing more from life, than to give her the peace she had asked for when she was brought to me the first time she used her power. All she wanted was peace from her tormented life.

I knew her so deeply in such a short period of time. Yet every time I would touch her, I found something new to hold on to. Her beauty was ephemeral, something within her eyes taught me of compassion for the first time since my transformation into this undead life. She taught me to trust. She taught me to want things beyond war. She showed me that there were prisoners who had no choice but to submit, and that I did have a choice. And I felt my eyes open to the world for the first time.

She became everything to me. I found that every moment not touching her was a moment wasted. I lavished each second of passing time for it was an opportunity to be with her, to touch her, to hear her speak, to breathe her in, the sweetest flowers. Though she did not want revenge on Hitler and his armies, I surely did. I wanted to curse such cruelty to the depths of hell. Who could want to cleanse the world of such significance?

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

_Curse, to the depths of hell_, where I was now. Lying on my back, feet away from my kill. Antlers of a once glorious beast of an animal now angled lifelessly in the same dirt that I was smothered in. The rain came, harder now that the sky grew black. It felt good against the wrecking memory that sent my body aflame. I only wished it was hail, so that I might feel the impact of ice attempting to cut my skin. Cut me open.

I didn't try to move, I didn't breathe. I didn't even blink. I lay motionless, a statue in the mud next to his kill, a couple of empty shells hidden amongst the shadows in the wood, dead and gone.


	8. Farce

**Chapter 8**

"_Right is wrong now. Shut up you big lie. _

_This black and white lie. _

_You comb your hair to hide your lying eyes. _

_You're righteous, so righteous. _

_You're always so right"_

_Dave Matthews-Last Stop_

**Bella**

He stared at me a lot. On the days that he and his family decided to grace the school with their presence, he would sit at their lunch table and look at me from across the room. The day after the disaster that was our first meeting, I passed him in the hall. He was with Emmett, the large one, and his twin.

I passed him without speaking, though his eyes were on me. I needed to apologize for the day before. I had basically berated him for what was probably a really traumatic argument with his brother. What I saw must have been a trick of the rain on my eyelashes or perhaps I was dizzy from falling down.

There was no explanation for what I thought I saw, maybe in the twilight zone, but this was Forks. And though I was sure there was something extraordinary about that family, it definitely didn't warrant my continual anger at Jasper. I had fumed about it all night, trying to rationalize the impossible. Though I was sure everything I came up with belonged solely in comic books and had no hold in reality, and certainly not Forks.

So when I passed him in the hallway I made up my mind that I would make a better impression. It took me a few steps to turn around and commit to my decision. I saw him walking away. In my attempt to catch up to him, I bumped into someone and was diverted to the side. My book bag must have snatched onto an open locker because I was pulled backward and fell, hard on the floor. I was sure that the bruise on my butt would spell out 'shame.'

In the time it took to feel my face burn with the heat of my embarrassment he was there. He stood over me, looking down with a quizzical look on his face. I felt that same pressure as the day before. Like the air around us was suddenly depleted of gravity and part of me started to float away.

"Uh, Hi." I stammered out. Picking myself off the floor. His face retained that same pained look. He gave me what I amounted to be a smile, though it looked more like a grimace, his eyes inverted and slanted down in a frown_. His eyes._ They were golden.

I was one hundred and fifty percent sure that they had been pitch black the day before. He reached down and picked up my bag from the floor.

"What color would you say your eyes are Jasper?" I took careful notice that his eyes widened and then contracted.

"It changes," was his reply. He looked around as if he were late for something, class I imagine. "Here." He handed my bag to me, and I took it. He started to walk away.

"Wait! I needed to talk you."

He nodded, and I started walking with him, even though my class was in the opposite direction.

"I just wanted to say…" Before I could get out an apology his sister walked up to us, with a huge smile on her face. She started walking next to Jasper. Her perfect blonde hair, waving toward the center of her back, seemed to be in slow motion. She was heartbreakingly beautiful.

"Hey, introduce me to your friend Jasper." Then before he could answer her, she spoke again. "Bella. Of course I know you, everyone here does. You're the talk of the town. I hope you're finding Forks to your liking." It was a question, I think.

I stole a look at Jasper's face, which showed no emotion, the pain from before gone, he looked as if he were a million miles away. I shrugged trying to keep my heartbeat under control lest I pass out from the twin visions beside me. "It's definitely more than I expected."

She nodded vigorously and laughed, the sound was even more glorious than her face, if that were possible. "You have no idea Bella." She made her voice sound scandalous.

I smiled, though I mostly felt awkward. "So, you and Jasper are twins right?"

"Oh I forgot, yes, I'm Rosalie."

I nodded. "Well I have to go that way." I pointed in the opposite direction. "It was good to meet you."

She smiled even wider. "You too Bella, we'll see you later." And then she gave me a small parting wave.

I looked at Jasper; he made an inclination with his head. I turned and without apologizing or saying another word to him, walked away as the late bell rang.

That day at lunch I sat at the same table. Though I knew I wouldn't make any good friends there, I never even seriously considered sitting alone. I didn't like how they laughed at Jasper, but I certainly wasn't going to mount a stand-alone protest against it.

I sat down next to Jessica. Someone sat next to me, a nice looking boy I didn't remember from the day before. "Hi, I'm Mike." He actually put his hand out for me to shake, so I did and introduced myself, "Bella."

"Great to meet you Bella. Have you met everyone here?" He looked around at our table indicating only those who we were sitting with.

"No, just Jessica."

He nodded and started to introduce me to a few faces I recognized from my classes, and a couple I was sure I _had _met, but didn't remember their names.

I was busy trying to remember faces and names when I heard a familiar voice from behind me. Rosalie.

"Mike Newton, mind scooting down so I can sit next to Bella?" The same pleasant smile danced across her face. _What was she doing? Sit next to me?_

I felt the silence that followed her question. This was obviously not something that happened often. Mike moved down with a dumbstruck expression on his face. As Rosalie sat down with me I noticed Emmett sit down next to the girl named Angela, across from us. I instinctively glanced over at their usual table. Jasper was nowhere to be seen.

I looked around at our table; everyone had a deer caught in headlights expression. I was immediately suspicious of their actions. I could tell she was being overly nice to me, obviously going out of her way, because of what happened the day before.

"Bella, this is Emmett." I smiled and said hello.

"Nice to finally meet you Bella." The word 'finally' made me even more suspicious of their intentions.

"Where's Jasper?" I wasn't even embarrassed for asking. It was a perfectly reasonable question.

Rosalie's smile faltered. "He stayed after in his history class." She flipped her hair back with her hand. Her perfume hit me, feather light and cream sweet. "His teacher wanted to discuss their upcoming assignment. He likes to get Jasper's opinion on things like that."

"Oh," was all I could think to say.

Emmett laughed under his breath. Everyone's wide eyes went comically from Rosalie's face to his, "Jasper, the history buff."

Rosalie laughed and then everyone's gaze went from Emmett back to her.

I noticed that they didn't have trays with them. "Not eating today?" I asked.

She flipped her hair again, back off her shoulder. "We had a large breakfast."

I nodded. I suddenly felt very brave, and wanted to push the envelope. I knew they were sitting with us because of what happened the day before, so I decided to test their reactions.

I looked at Emmett across from me, "So did your brothers make up?"

Emmett laughed, but I saw and felt Rosalie stiffen beside me.

Emmett answered me, "It was touch and go there for a while, but they're civil again. Though I wouldn't count on it lasting."

Rosalie fanned the air before her, "You know how brothers are."

A perfectly normal answer, it made me even more curious. _They were prepared for everything._

I decided to press my already dwindling luck. "Do they fight like that often?" I was looking directly at Rosalie this time.

Emmett did not laugh, and Rosalie's features were as stone, the pleasant smile gone. She knew what I was really saying, _I saw everything and I know it was more than you are letting on._

I couldn't have even faked a smile in the immediately tense atmosphere at the table. Though I didn't want to, I wanted to throw her game right back in her face. Seconds passed, as we stared each other down, the wrath of a goddess and a mortal passing between us.

And then Emmett interrupted the staring contest. "Rose, you remember that time Edward broke my Xbox?"

She slowly peeled her eyes from my face to his without answering. Though I imagine that was her answer.

He continued, his voice devoid of care. "I was livid. I almost broke his jaw Bella. We all get into it sometimes. It's just the way our family is."

I nodded. "I wouldn't know anything about sibling rivalry, only child. And I don't own an Xbox."

"That's a travesty Bella, truly. PlayStation?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Wii?"

He didn't say anything after that. "_We _what?"

He rolled his eyes and threw his head back. "Nintendo?"

Rosalie snapped. "She doesn't have any games Emmett!"

I could feel a smirk wanting to escape my lips, though I held it back. I knew that there was oil bubbling beneath her surface. I just had to sit back and let Emmett talk to get it to boil over.

I decided to answer him and ignore her. "Yes I had Nintendo when I was younger. I liked Super Mario Brothers." Honestly, I did own one, but it was more of my mother's toy.

He grinned slightly, though I could see that the effects of Rosalie's comment still lingered in his careful eyes. "I'm glad to hear it Bella."

A small part of me wondered about the rest of the table. And what they thought about the day's lunchtime entertainment. Though the larger part of me was too intent on playing my own role to notice our spectators.

I smiled at Emmett, intentionally ignoring the blonde volcano beside me. "We should play sometime."

The volcano erupted, I could almost see steam emitting from her ears, the lava escaping through every crevice available. She glared at Emmett. Though I only noticed through my peripheral vision, because I wasn't looking at her.

I felt my cheeks redden before the severity of what I had just said actually hit me, like my body knew that I should be chagrinned but my head hadn't caught up. _Did I just say that?_

I backpedaled. My eyes flickering to Angela who looked stunned to say the least. "We could get a group together. Angela?" I stammered. I looked over at Mike, "Mike…Jessica?" It was getting sad; I was flailing about in the wind of shame. The silence seemed to elapse; I tried not to notice the eruption next to me.

Then a small cough, Angela cleared her throat. "Yes, I'm in. It sounds like a good idea to me. I play peek-a-boo with my brothers and sisters all day. It can get tiresome. I played Super Mario brothers back in the day too."

I let out a sigh of relief. I would forever be in debt to this girl.

Mike spoke up then, "Actually I was thinking about getting a group together to go to La Push one weekend. Could be fun."

Everyone at the table seemed to thaw out at that, and started talking about the trip to the beach. Everyone save three. Rosalie stood up; she walked around the table to stand behind Emmett.

"Emmett baby, I'm getting hungry. I left my snack in the jeep, come with me?" And with that she turned and walked away.

Emmett stood. "Good talk." It was sarcastic, no one laughed, though Mike snorted. Emmett just nodded and followed his 'baby' out of the cafeteria.

**Jasper**

I stood outside the cafeteria, my back against the wall, listening to their conversation. I couldn't fight Rosalie on this; she thought she had a plan to save our family from Bella. But I couldn't be involved in what she was doing.

I had skipped my morning classes, following Bella to hers and listening in the shadows to what she said to her classmates. Not once did she mention my family.

It alleviated my worry, though not by much. She had said she didn't get along well with others. Perhaps she just wasn't willing to confide in anyone here. Though I was sure the adults in her life would cast her accusations away as hallucinations, or stress.

I stood there being inundated by Bella's emotions. They touched me like the others did not. Hers were a hot poker doused in flame, reaching through me. The others were merely feathers flitting about beneath her.

It was a constant stream of curiosity, worry, suspicion, and chagrin.

I wanted to run in there and extricate Bella from the table. Rosalie's big plan was to befriend Bella in an attempt to overshadow any doubts she had about us with kindness. Though what I was hearing from their conversation left little to doubt that it wasn't working, I felt like I heard some knowing tone in Bella's voice. She wasn't buying it. It was a poor performance in my opinion.

Rosalie was getting impatient with Bella, who was ignoring her and speaking with Emmett.

They were talking about gaming systems, of all things. Of course Emmett had to mention our Wii, it wasn't released worldwide yet. Slips like this only proved my point that we needed to distance ourselves from Bella.

Then I heard her say, "We should play sometime."

The tension that elapsed afterward was unnerving. The entire table silent, as Bella's emotions went through the usual spin. Emmett was apprehensive. Rosalie, on the other hand, was furious. Not only was Bella thwarting her attempts to be friendly, but she had just made a play for her husband.

The anger coated my senses, and my fingers dug into the brick wall behind me. I wouldn't last another minute, I had to interrupt.

I pushed myself away from the wall. Rosalie was there before I could move any further. She spoke through her teeth. "That girl is a beast among humans." I felt anger, but also I sensed a tinge of fear. Of course, Rosalie was just now realizing that this wasn't any ordinary human we were dealing with here. There was something unique and frightening about this particular human.

"Can we abandon this ridiculous form of torture?" I almost spat.

She crossed her arms as Emmett approached us, a smile on his face. "Oh it wasn't all bad."

"It would have worked with any other beast."

I growled. "Call her a beast again and I'll rip you apart."

Emmett stood in front of his wife, good thing for her. Rosalie had taken this too far. Bella hadn't said anything all day about us, perhaps we could have escaped her further inquisition, but now it would be impossible. Rosalie flaunted herself about as usual, prancing in front of the girl like she was hot shit. I had enough.

"Jasper, back up. We made a mistake, but Rose you have to admit it wasn't a great idea. What did you expect, to hypnotize her into submission with your beauty?"

Rosalie just stood there with her arms crossed looking stern. He put his forehead to hers. "Not everyone is as easy as I am Rose."

She smiled with him.

I interrupted, "Either way, leave her alone now."

She threw me a quizzical glare. Her eyes fell from mine to the wall behind me where I had punctured the brick.

"Who are you trying to convince brother?"

I ignored the jab at me. I took a step back and pressed into the wall with my heel nonchalantly, so that the smaller dents were indiscernible from a larger hole.

The bell rang to signify the end of the lunch period. Were all things so easy, to end with a bell, no questions asked.

**Bella**

Two weeks had passed since the first day. He sat watching me from his table at lunch. Rosalie and Emmett sat impassive as ever since that second day, the first and last time I ever spoke with them.

Edward and Alice were visiting family for an extended period of time. Whatever that meant. I couldn't help but feel like it had something, everything, to do with me.

I stared back at him, feeling weightless again. An odd affect his eyes had on me. Sometimes I felt myself start to shake from the intensity of our shared silence and staring. I took to letting my eyes roam to other parts of him.

His hands might fold together beneath his chin, his thumb gracing over his bottom lip. One hand falling ever so lightly down the back of his neck, smoothing the place where his hair met his skin.

On the few occasions that his eyes were not on me, he might stare down, his hands spread out in front of him on the table, as if he were bracing himself against something. I even noticed him flinch a few times, and grimace. I was beginning to be able to discern between his different expressions. His varying degrees of pain, or indifference, or anger, or thoughtfulness, or pain…again. Mostly pain.

I found myself wanting to walk over and sit with him, touch the face that held so much sorrow. Was I the cause of it? I couldn't be. I knew that. But why did he look at me so? _What happened to him?_

There were days when the three of them just didn't come to school at all. But when I asked about their absence, I found out that they went camping regularly.

Mike was intent on taking that trip to La Push. At first I endured a barrage of questions about the visit from Rosalie and Emmett. But I told everyone I didn't know any more than they did on the subject. And though that answer didn't seem to satisfy anyone, no one pressed me further.

And to my delight, the date to have the Nintendo party was never set. Nor was it ever mentioned again, thankfully.

I no longer felt the need to apologize to Jasper. I couldn't even remember what I was feeling sorry for, really. He was the one who was hiding something, and it was proved to me the day Rosalie tried to befriend me.

I needed to speak with him though, like my lungs ached for air. I didn't care what was said, as long as he said it.

The day that I made the decision to say something, anything, to him, life and death interrupted, and Forks was plunged into mourning.


	9. Bitter Sweet Symphony

**Chapter 9**

"One sweet world

_Around this star is spinning_

_One sweet world_

_And in her breath I'm swimming_

_And here we will rest in peace."_

_Dave Matthews-One Sweet World_

**Bella**

I sat in the waiting room. Most of the junior class mulled around whispering to one another. Some were embracing; some wiping away tears, others flipping anxiously through magazines, and others like myself who just stared.

I could barely believe what had happened, I didn't cry or speak or console, I was struck into silence. I watched as the flurries started to fall outside. There should be laws against this kind of weather. People got hurt, people died. Ice was the enemy.

I woke that morning with a bright outlook on the world. The newly fallen snow didn't even dampen my spirits. I had a plan and I was going to follow it through, my nerves be damned. I was going to approach Jasper, and talk about _anything_ but super speed and super strength, and nasty twin sisters. I was sick and tired of the staring game. One way or another I was going to speak to him.

I dreamt about the moment for weeks. Once we were in an elevator in the middle of the forest that led to the sky. We were alone, staring at each other, of course. Our mouths were moving, but no sound came out. It was a pleasant enough dream until I started to feel claustrophobic, and the elevator ride never ended. I was banging on the doors screaming for help. Still I was voiceless. And Jasper never moved, never stopped moving his mouth, watching me pound on the doors to no avail. I woke up gasping for air.

Most of the time my dreams played out like silent movies. The worst of them all, was when Jasper stood in random darkness, pale against a black sky. Midnight eyes. The sky would turn bright, brighter than the sun. It was ultraviolet, so bright it set my skin on fire. As I burned, I screamed silence. Jasper just stared. When I was merely ashes he let out a violent ear-shattering scream, one that did not belong to a human, but to horror movies. It never ended. I could feel myself tossing and turning but the unnatural scream kept me buried in the brightness of my nightmare.

With such horrors as my nightly ritual, I needed to clear the air with him. I couldn't take it any longer.

I drove even more slowly than usual to school. The old Chevy making good progress on the slick roads, better than I thought it would. I turned into the parking lot and spotted my goal, Emmett's jeep. I pulled into the spot next to the monstrous thing. They were nowhere to be seen.

I was standing by the back of my truck, making my way slowly across the ice, when it happened. I heard the screech of tires sliding across frozen pavement. My eyes looked up in time to see the van spin out of control 30 feet away from me. There was a loud scream abruptly ended with an even louder crash. _Jessica!_

The silence seemed to last forever, as it does when shock overwhelms the body. It was like running in a dream, the ground before me never seemed to end. I reached the van, people were screaming around me. Screaming for Tyler, screaming for Jessica. Someone opened Tyler's door, and was talking to him. I heard him moan.

My legs moved without my permission toward the other side of the van. People were yelling for 911. Red was pooling to the ground where the two vehicles met, I saw her. I heard a loud, blood-curdling scream. It shook the very air around me. The ground came up to meet me, my hands falling to the ice-laden pavement beneath me. I heaved and the screaming stopped, that's when I realized it had been mine.

Deep breaths came in and out; I was hyperventilating. The sight of Jessica's crooked body pinned between the van and her car was tattooed in my head, flashing through my thoughts even as my eyes glued themselves to the ground as I heaved again and was sick.

Everything felt numb. _Jessica. Jessica. My friend. Oh God._

I felt a jolt of electricity flood through me. _Cold on my cheek. Someone touching me there._ I looked up, still on all fours on the ground. Jasper. His arm was reached out as he knelt to the side of me, his skin was cold and it shocked me back to reality, making me feel the pain I was suddenly in.

"She's…" I swallowed back the bile in my throat. "She's dead." I heard my voice shake. I was becoming hysterical. "She's dead Jasper, she's dead, she's dead, she's dead."

I was lifted into the air, and moved quickly through the crowd. I felt the temperature change. I looked around, we were in the cafeteria. It was empty. I was curled up on his lap as he rocked me back and forth. I grabbed onto his collar with all my strength and lay my head against his chest.

"I need to wake up now. I need to wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up!" I felt tears sting my cheeks, my vision becoming blurry. The rocking stopped.

Jasper's hand moved from around my legs, he grabbed the cuff of his jacket to wipe the tears away. I looked up at him, and he let the fabric of his cuff fall back as his fingers continued to move against my cheek. His face was closer than it had ever been; his eyes bore into mine, molten gold.

Staring up at his face, my tears stopped, and I was surreally aware of every distinct feature of his face close to mine. It brought me out of my hysteria, and launched me into a calm that I had never before experienced.

I realized that his face looked more relaxed than usual. Though he wasn't smiling, he didn't look as though he were being repeatedly stabbed either.

He didn't so much as blink as I traced his face with my gaze. His skin was flawless, pale in the extreme. Though the color only added to his beauty. His lips were the brightest color on his face besides his shining eyes, the perfect combination of pink and purple, a withering rose. His high cheekbones gave way to darkened circles beneath his golden eyes.

I couldn't help but reach my hand to those circles and when I touched my skin to his he stiffened, but did not rebuke me. It was enough of a consent for me. My fingertips lightly traced the shadows that were evidence of a sleepless night.

He moved his head ever so slightly to the side and as he did so his hair fell onto his brow. My fingers slid up and moved the fallen pieces back. He inclined his head further into my hand, closing his eyes for the first time as he did so. Lavender eyelids covered the golden behind them.

I took a deep breath and he mirrored me. I angled my nose into his chest, delirium overcoming my already overwhelmed senses. _His scent._ Fire on wood, sweeter than pine, Bliss. His nose came into contact with my wrist, my hand still lingering in his hair. He inhaled deeply, as I did. When we both exhaled his eyes opened again and seemed to darken as they found mine.

Two heartbeats and a lifetime later Jasper spoke for the first time, "The ambulance is here. I'll drive you to the hospital."

All I could do was nod. He stood up with me still in his arms.

I saw his mouth moving slightly but I couldn't hear any sounds, it was like my nightmare. I spoke then to make sure I could hear my own voice, "Jasper." It was the only word I cared to hear at the moment. And I could hear.

Then I saw Emmett come up and hand something to Jasper. I heard his voice too, "Take good care of her. She's my pride and joy."

Me? Was he talking about me?

Emmett hadn't even looked at me, and I was his pride and joy?

Jasper seemed to recognize my confusion because he answered my thoughts. "I'm taking Emmett's jeep."

I nodded, of course.

I started to feel awkward in Jasper's arms. My head was clearing and I had two perfectly usable feet.

Jasper must have read my thoughts again because he asked me, "What is it?"

I felt sheepish, "I'm fine now. I can walk."

He placed me on my feet, but kept a hand on my back. I looked up at him. "Thank you Jasper."

His face looked hard again, like the stabbed man.

I had to peel my eyes from his as I started forward. My limbs felt shaky and weak. He kept step behind me.

As we made our way outside, the circumstances of reality caught up with me again, and I nearly fell over from the dizziness that overcame me.

Everywhere there were people jostling about, moving from one point to another, frantic. The two ambulances' flashing red lights cast shadows of crimson onto the crowd.

A siren ambled into the parking lot. Charlie's cruiser. For once I was not put off by the sight of the thing. I wanted to run to him and tell him that I loved him, that I missed him in between summers, and that I wanted to be his little girl again.

The look in his eyes as he slammed his door shut made me wince. He got the call that someone was killed in a car accident. I was still here._ I'm still here dad._

"Dad!" I shouted to him, it was lost in the sea of voices bustling like bees around us. I walked to him, slowly as my feet felt like anvils. "Dad!" His head picked up and searched around him, I lifted my arm to wave. He saw me and ran forward.

His embrace was so strong that my feet lifted off the ground. "Bella, Oh Bella! You have no idea how happy I am to see you."

His voice was thick with concern. "You should be in Florida. Things like this just don't happen there. This weather is dangerous for you."

"I'm fine dad, see?" I pulled away from him. "I'll be okay. I'm not hurt."

I felt the sting of tears again as I realized just how hurt Jessica was. Hurt no more.

He shook his head. "Do you know how worried I was Bella? We need to get you a cell phone. I wanted to hear your voice and know that you were okay, but I couldn't."

I nodded. "But I'm fine dad." I remembered Jasper. I looked behind me. He wasn't there. I looked all around, searching the faces. He was gone. The jeep was gone.

"Dad. Will you take me to the hospital? I want to be there…" I let my sentence trail off. _I want to be there with her._ Even if it's just her body.

He put his arm around my shoulders and held me as we walked to his cruiser. He let me in before he went to talk to the EMTs.

I closed my eyes, forcing myself to blank out the vision of Jessica's body mangled and torn. I opened them, the crowd before me the same as in the parking lot but now in the waiting room. Their faces a mixture of grief, shock, and worry. What did mine look like?

I never saw hers again, not until the funeral. The same crowd but a different place. Parking lot, waiting room, church, grave.

_All the same. Never the same again. _


	10. Frozen

**Chapter 10**

"All at once the ghosts come back

_Reeling in you now_

_What if they came down crushing"_

_Dave Matthews-#41_

**Jasper**

I tossed the keys to Emmett and ran from there. The woods were my destination. I would hunt and then I would forget everything that just happened. I would push it so deeply down into me that I would not be able to even reach it with effort.

I took the first animal I ran in to, drained it and ran for another. And another.

_This cannot happen. She is a human. She is weak and breakable, and it is impossible. I will turn my memories into dust._

_My memories,_ how I felt her pain, but how I was able to quell it, to calm her. And I hadn't pushed any emotions onto her. She was calmed by me, a monster in every sense.

She was calmed by my presence. I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I did not use my talent, and yet she went from hysteria to calm in an instant.

The mangled body of the girl, who was dead, was pouring blood. I could hear it slip down her limbs, slide down the van that kept her crushed. It waited on hands and knees begging me to come and lap it up, every inch.

Bella's pain and shock overcame my bloodlust. Without realizing it, I was bent next to her and taking her away, to the cafeteria where it was warm.

It started to snow; I looked up at the tree filled sky. I had let myself be messy with my kills; I had blood dripping down my chin, on my shirt. I took it off wiped myself off with it, and threw it to the ground.

I decided then and there that I needed a trip to the mountains, without a second thought I ran and ran and ran…_the mountains._

I had wanted to work on repressing the memory while I was running, but it kept flashing in my mind, kept giving me a goddamn play by play of what I did not want to see. I did not want to see Bella in my arms_ calm_, her fingers touching my face, her fingers touching my hair. I did not want to see how calm she was when she did that. I did not want to see the other feelings she had when she inhaled me. I did not want to see what feelings I had when she did those things. I did not want to see the look on my face when she looked at me. It was relaxed, calm, like a weight lifted from the world and finally it was me whom it was lifted from. Never me, not after Vera.

Her tears, the way the water glazed in her eyes, and found its way down her cheeks, to her lips.

_Stop. These thoughts are forbidden. I forbid myself to have them._

I flexed my hand. The one that touched her face. It burned. Like the burn on my back that first day. Like the burn of her emotions pulsing through me. Like the flame of her stare that scorched my own eyes. It burned and I wanted to chop it off.

The snow picked up, heavier still. I cut through it as I made my way up the mountain.

Her scent. My nose grazing the length of her wrist. The snowflakes were freesias falling down upon me, coating my body, attacking my senses with the memory of her. I could feel the warmth of her cradled in my arms; I could taste the freesias in the air, haunting me. Always, I am haunted.

_Push it down Jasper. She is a human. _

_A human who is not afraid of me. She saw my eyes, she knows. She knows. There is no way that she could know. Do I want her to? No._

I ran to the lake. My secluded little lake in the middle of a mountain. It's where I went when I needed to get away from the happy couples that surrounded me. I wanted to be miserable, and their bliss was a diversion I wasn't willing to take. The air here was thinner, but that didn't bother me. It was fresher, devoid of the toxins of humans and industry. I breathed deeply…I wish I could feel the end result. My lungs were dead. I wish they had taken me with them.

I stopped at the edge of the lake and watched the snow fall heavier than below the mountain. The water was frozen over. I walked over the ice and lay down in the center of the lake. The snow felt good on my skin. My chest was bare to the elements. I looked around. The trees ran high covering me from the world. The sky was barely visible through the heavily falling snow.

I rolled over on my stomach. _This is what a dead man looks like. _I saw fish beneath the thick sheet of ice. They swam about minding their own business, playing the game of life…different for every creature. _I take life from the living. What __do you take fish?_ I mentally asked the blue and gold scales beneath. It had no answer for me.

_I take life. I'm death delivered in shackles. I am an unwilling participant in this life._

Images of her face flashed through my mind. I screamed at the top of my lungs, a guttural cry that none would hear but the animals, the prey.

_Forget about her Jasper, she is nothing to you._

I got to my knees, pounding the thick ice beneath me, the whole of it shoot.

Images of Bella, images of Vera. _Vera. Forever, and never again my love. As I promised you, I haven't followed you._

I stood and in my place began to sway. I put my arms up to hold my Vera, and we began to dance. There on the ice we waltzed. _Ice when she left me. Ice in my heart since._

_You taught me to dance Vera. Your father taught you. And I will teach no one. Dance with me._

And so I began to dance. I held my posture, just like she said. Chin up, just like she said. One hand in hers the other at her back, and we moved. Together, we danced.

Xxxxxx

"My father and my mother used to dance. I watched them when I was little. They glided and…" Vera cut off her sentence with a laugh, she covered her mouth and her body shook with her laughter.

"_That _Mr. Whitlock is not gliding."

I was _definitely_ gliding across the floor, practicing the dance she was about to teach me properly. She came close to me and put her hands on my chest, "Can I cut in?" She asked in a sweet voice.

"Of course ma'm." I pretended to disengage with my imaginary partner and took her waste. She was smirking, "What?" I asked.

"Well I wasn't asking to cut in for you, I was asking to cut in for this handsome man over here." She moved away from me and then started dancing with nothing.

I sighed and laughed. "Vera, you are all mine. I will not share you with make-believe." I pushed air when I pretended to assault nothing. The imaginary partner bested by me.

I held on to her so tight I thought she might break so I loosened my grip. She noticed and her eyes got sad. "I'm not breakable anymore Jasper. I'm so thin because that's how I was when I was changed; I daresay I gained weight during the transformation. I'm healthy now. I'm in love now. And I'm dancing now. Now put your arms in the right position!"

That was the first and last night I made love to her.

The War took over our lives. We became the war. Again. Always war.

XxxxxxxX

I dropped my arms, the dance was over. She was gone. She was never really there, never again. I pounded my fists to the ice again. I was rewarded with a ripping, cracking sound. The ice gave way beneath my feet, my thoughts flashed to Vera, her beautiful face, childlike eyes that were battered by the camps, the horror residing in them enveloping me. I crashed into the water. The image that flashed through my mind was one that I did not want. I did not want to see Bella in front of me taking my hand, my other on her back, pulling her close and moving together. I did not want to see her take Vera's place in the waltz.

The cold water felt good. The ghosts in my head felt bad. Good. Bad. Vera. Bella. I lay floating on my back amongst shards of ice. I looked at the sky and willed a week of sunny days for Forks. _I could go away and never come back like Edward and Alice. _

I could._ I will._


	11. Wild Horses

**Chapter 11**

"_I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain_

_Now you've decided to show me the same_

_No sweeping exits or offstage lines_

_Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind"_

_Wild Horses-Mick Jagger/Dave Matthews version_

**Bella**

I didn't see Jasper again after that day, the day he held me, and the day Forks was turned upside down. Jessica's parents were attempting to sue the Board of Education for not closing school for the day, when even after salting the parking lot such an accident could occur. Neither side was making much headway. But the entire town of Forks was behind the Stanleys.

I hadn't known Jessica for very long. But she befriended me quicker than anyone here, save Eric Yorkie. I considered her a friend, and I felt the loss that was thick in the air in the town. There were signs in the store windows "Forever in our hearts," "We'll miss you," "We love you." On each there were pictures drawn of horses. And even one storefront had a large cardboard cutout of a horse, and no other message. That was the Newton's place.

At the funeral her father had a box full of toy horses, each he placed along his daughter's body. He kissed her brow and then shut the casket. The story her mother read while he did that was about Jessica's love of horses, and about how she cherished her collection of toy horses. Her hobby.

I saw Dr. Cullen and his wife at the funeral, along with most of the town. I didn't even have to ask who he was, I knew immediately. The same gold eyes, the same shadows beneath them, the same movie star looks. They stood out, to me anyway. I saw Dr. Cullen talking with Tyler and his parents. He must have been the one to bandage him up. Tyler wasn't seriously injured, just scrapes and bruises.

Jasper wasn't there nor was Rosalie or Emmett. Though I didn't expect them to show up. In fact, at that time I was still reeling from the way Jasper's arms felt around me. The way he let me touch his face, his hair. The way he carried me. The thoughts were my constant companion. Though short lived, they lasted in my memory on replay.

It was a long time ago, nearly a month. Jasper never came back to school. At first Rosalie and Emmett did, but only for one day, and then they were gone too.

At first I wanted to know why, then I knew why. It had to be because of me that he left. He was repulsed by me, and didn't feel like dealing with the infatuation I was developing, and clearly had shown him that day.

Could I really be the reason for their disappearing act? It couldn't have been grief over Jessica. They never talked, she even sounded bitter toward them when she first explained to me who they were.

Who they were. Hah! The mystery that has invaded my every waking, my every sleeping thought.

I asked Charlie about it once or twice, maybe a few…more times than once or twice. He said that the Doctor and his wife were still living in Forks; he was still working at the hospital. He gave me the same story everyone was getting. Edward and Alice were studying abroad, and the others decided to join them.

My emotions went from wanting to know why, to anger that he didn't say goodbye to me, and then more anger that he didn't say goodbye because he meant more to me than I did to him. After all we hadn't really said that much to each other since I started Forks High. But I at least thought I was becoming his friend. It was obvious to me that he didn't think the same. So then anger turned to sadness. And mostly I was depressed.

Mostly I missed his silences.

I felt like I should mount a sign in my window that said "I'll miss you," "Forever in my heart." Though of course it was only an errant thought, I would never actually do that. I think.

Depression soon led to anger again, except anger at myself for feeling something so strongly for someone who I didn't know at all. For letting myself get caught up in errant thoughts like window signs and thinking about him in the first place.

That was the longest stage of my hairbrained grief for the loss of Jasper. Which quickly led me to acceptance, because I regretted the time I spent thinking of him, and not thinking or grieving for Jessica. So I stopped, and Jasper was no more. He was studying abroad. The end.

There was a dance, girl's choice. Mike asked me to go with him. And I said yes, and went. It was dedicated to Jessica. Her parents came. They got dressed up and cried a lot. A lot of people cried.

The DJ played "Wild Horses." And even though I thought it was too much, melodramatic in a sick way, I cried.

Not many people were in the mood to dance, except for the slow songs, in which they would just hold on to each other and sway. I didn't understand how one person could affect so many people's lives. Did all of these people really know Jessica? Did it matter if they didn't?

Who would cry for my when I died? Would they read Brontë novels over my grave? What about a nice Shakespeare poem? Yes that would be delightfully melodramatic and not at all what I would want. But they would do it, because it happens to be my hobby. I'm not overly fond of horses. Maybe I can buy a stuffed elephant and start a new hobby.

See, new errant thoughts replete of him.

I "slow danced" with Mike Newton, his arms wound around my back, my hands at his neck. And I thought of Shakespeare and stuffed elephants. I did not think of a different set of arms I would rather have wrapped around me. I did not think of a different neck I would rather touch. Elephants, and something or other.

His hands were tightening around me in a way that I knew was more than platonic. Weren't teachers supposed to interrupt this kind of thing?

I pulled back from him slightly with a smile on my face. He had hearts in his eyes, and they were directed at me.

I coughed, "Thanks for taking my tonight Mike, I really needed a _friend_ to endure this with."

I couldn't have emphasized the word friend more, but apparently I didn't do it strongly enough. A pleased smile appeared on his face, and I wanted to cringe away. But I stayed in place.

"It means a lot Mike. I don't have many _friends _who I can count on to be there for me, you know, _just as friends._"

I nodded my head along with that little declaration, as if I were talking to a child…so as to make my point known.

His hands loosened on my back and he nodded. _Finally._

"I know Bella, me too. Thanks for coming with me. I owe you one."

I needed to dodge that fast, "No, it's my pleasure Mike, of course I would come to be here for Jessica. You don't owe me anything."

"Okay."

And that was the end of that.

The rest of the dance went fairly smooth. There was a speech made in Jessica's honor by Angela. Who I never thought would have the guts to speak in front of a crowd let alone about this. But she said some nice things, recounted a memory from when they became friends.

Lauren got up and made a toast to Jessica, after Angela's speech. But halfway through her toast she threw up, half into her glass and half onto the floor.

Apparently the girl had become a binge drinker after Jessica's death. And was spiking her own punch with a flask the teacher's found in her purse, after finding out that she was wasted.

We sat at a table with the same group from lunch. Angela went to the dance with Eric, and they both looked miserable the whole time. I suspected it was because of more than grief over a lost friend. I asked Mike to dance with Angela, and I asked Eric to dance.

I wasn't trying to be a matchmaker; I just wanted her to have some measure of a good time. Though the dance with Mike didn't seem to make matters better.

Time went on, classes resumed as normal. Required counseling was finished. Finished for everyone except Tyler. He was taking Jessica's death the worst. No one but him blamed him. He missed school a lot and when he was there he was distant, signs of insomnia and depression were evident in his entire demeanor.

I tried talking to him a couple of times. My words seemed inadequate even to me. I asked him how he was doing_. How do you think he's doing, he thinks he killed Jessica? Think of something better next time._ The next time was, "How's it going Tyler?" I was making real progress in the friendly department.

Speaking of friendly…Lauren, the drunk, went to 'rehab' for a week, or so the gossip said. I imagined her parents and the school decided it best for her to have some time off. She seemed sober enough when she came back to school.

The Stanleys settled out of court with the School Board. The Board arranged a scholarship fund in Jessica's name for students who planned to continue their education.

Life went on.

And then Charlie invited his friend Billy Black over for dinner. And then my life changed…everything changed.

XxxxxxX

I made a chicken dish, I wanted Charlie's friend to see that we did, in fact, eat something other than the fish that my dad caught every weekend.

I was just opening the oven when Charlie opened the door. I heard three voices greet each other.

I walked into the living room.

"Bella, this is Billy and Jacob."

Billy stuck out his hand in greeting, I took it. It was warm and enveloped my own like a large quilt. It made me feel like a child again.

"Bella, I've heard plenty about you. Your old man never stops talking about you." His voice was deep and sounded wiser than his words.

I smiled. "You too Billy."

The boy stood behind him, resting his hands on his father's wheelchair.

I felt myself blush, in reaction to the coloring in his own cheeks, I suppose. His skin was a beautiful russet shade. It looked so smooth I wanted to touch his face to see if it was as soft as it looked. His hair was a shiny black that was pulled back at the nape of his neck in a ponytail.

Billy looked back at him. "Jake, say hi to Bella."

His face turned even redder. His eyes met mine and he smiled shyly. "Hi Bella." It was barely a whisper.

"Hey Jacob." I wished someone would turn the TV on. It was probably the one time in…forever that it was not on. When did that game start?

"I just took the chicken out of the oven. So uh, dinner's served?" The atmosphere lightened and Chicken Cacciatore was had.

I filled the sink up as the game blared in the other room.

"So how's the truck running?"

The voice from behind me made me jump. "Oh Jacob, you scared me. Yeah I love the truck, thanks. It runs perfect."

He came to stand next to me, our eyes level with one another. He laughed, "Maybe runs is the wrong word here, walks. Slowly at that."

Funny kid. "Yeah, but I like a steady pace."

He nodded. "You would have to."

"I guess."

Silence elapsed between us. The sound of cheers and the broadcaster's voice sounded in the living room, the water continued to fill the sink.

"You want some help?" He asked.

"I'll wash, you dry?"

"Sure." He picked up the dishtowel. "So how's school, making many new friends?"

He drew in a deep breath before I could answer. I looked over at him. His face looked upset.

"What's wrong?"

"Sorry, I forgot about that girl who died, Jessica. Billy told me you were friends with her."

I nodded and handed him a plate. "Yeah she was nice to me, we were friends."

He really looked as if he still regretted asking me about friends. I thought I would relieve him. "Do you know Angela Webber?"

He shook his head, "Nope. Though I know most of the kids that go there, I might have seen her before at La Push. The name doesn't ring a bell."

I smiled; I liked the tone of his voice. It was soothing, I almost wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep right there. "I guess I'm closest with her. And a few others."

"Good."

Another pause. My mind wandered to its usual sanctuary that is Jasper Hale.

"Yeah I had a few other friends too. Like…" My voice got noticeably softer, even to my ears. "…Jasper Hale." I felt my face get hot at the sound of his name.

I swallowed deeply. "And the Cullens. Do you know them?" Of course he knew them, everyone knew them. _This is pathetic. I am pathetic._

"I guess I should have known you would have taken notice of them."

I didn't say anything.

"It's a good thing they're gone. Well, the young ones anyway."

I waited for him to elaborate. He didn't.

"Why?"

"Actually, never mind. Forget I said anything."

I laughed a little. "Unlikely. Tell me Jacob, I won't tell anyone." The level of sweetness in my voice was not something I usually heard come from my own mouth. It kind of made me want to vomit.

"Well you can't it's a secret."

"Who am I going to tell?" I asked, joking with him a little. I may have even batted my eyelashes at him. _May_ have.

"Okay, but I will hold you to that Bella." He had a smile playing at his lips. Was he making this all up?

I just stared back at him in response. I was holding my breath waiting for any bit of information I could obtain about that family.

"They're vampires Bella."

My eyes strained on my face, widening to a point I never thought possible. There was a long pause. It felt as if there was a shift in the universe. Like the act of turning the light bulb on over my head actually shook the world.

He laughed. Loudly. "You should see your face!"

"So you're joking?"

He stopped laughing long enough to speak. "Well yeah, mostly."

"What do you mean mostly?"

"I mean, it's like a scary story over on the Reservation." He cleared his throat dramatically and waved the towel in the air in front of him. When he spoke he had a deep voice like his father's, ancient and knowing, albeit mocking. "Our ancestors were wolves and their enemy still exists waiting in the shadows over the centuries." He stopped and spoke in his own voice again. "Breathe Bella, you look like a ghost. It's just a legend. Something to control the masses into protecting their own."

I swallowed, closing my mouth, as it was agape. "Of course." _Vampires._ My mind started grinding in action. _It makes sense. The speed, the strength, the beauty, the eyes. _

Regardless of how unlikely, _impossible_ was the better word, I believed it. It was make-believe. Isn't that what I thought before? That their behavior belonged in the Twilight Zone?

As crazy as it was, Jacob had provided me with the missing puzzle piece. I had known all along without knowing. I knew they were _something;_ I just had no words to explain it. They were …

Jacob interrupted my thoughts. "The cold ones."

"What?"

"It's what the elders, the ones who pass down the stories, call them. They are the cold ones."

Oh. "What else do the elders say?"

He chuckled. "You don't actually believe any of this. You sound like my dad. He _does_ believe all this."

So his dad bought into the legend.

"No. I'm just…I just like scary stories." In my head I was reevaluating everything I'd ever known about everything. Were unicorns real? Bigfoot? His eyes. Gold and black and back to gold again. Always changing. Edward soaring through the air. Jasper crouching and growling. Jasper staring at me. His scream in my dream. The thoughts were piling up on top of each other. A thought occurred to me.

"Jacob, vampires, well in theory, they drink blood right?"

"Yeah, but these particular vampires only drink the blood of animals…in theory of course."

I nodded slightly, "Of course." Only animals. I felt relieved. I pictured Jasper covered in blood, a flash that I pushed away immediately. Though I couldn't completely ignore the thrill it sent through me.

The dishes were done; he was drying the last cup. I pulled the plug from the sink, the water sucked loudly down the drain. I nearly fell into the chair nearest me. Another thought occurred to me as Jacob took the seat opposite me.

"Why do the elders think Carlisle and his family are these cold ones?"

He shrugged like the answer was of no consequence. "Apparently Carlisle was in Forks 70 years ago and met with the ancient wolves of our tribe."

_70 years ago!_ Carlisle was over 70 years old?

_Keep him talking Bella._ "What happened when they met?"

"They were enemies, but Carlisle's peaceful, I guess, and he and the leader of the tribe arranged a deal. Like a treaty, you know things like _'don't kill us we won't kill you,' 'drink the blood of animals and not humans'_ that sort of thing."

I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Seriously, we should talk about something else. For example, I'm building a car from scraps. It's a bunny now, but it's going to be a sweet rabbit. By sweet I mean terrifying of course. Speaking of terrified, I think you like scary stories more than they like you Bella. You look a little sick." He reached his hand out and touched my forearm comfortingly. His hand was warm, just like Billy's.

"No, I'm fine. I'm just…wow you're a good story teller, that's all."

I stood up and got us two glasses of water.

I went to sleep that night with images from my computer search of 'vampires' fresh in my mind. Fangs and blood and seduction. Pale and beautiful and terrifying.

That night Jasper was an angel with white wings, he glowed in the moonlight. The feathers on his wings glistened and seemed to have muscles all their own, when they flexed in the windless air. He just smiled and looked to be at peace.

I felt relieved, even in my sleep. My body was released of its tension. I breathed into the dream, and slept free of nightmares. Free until I was awoken by a loud crash, that shook the world around me. The universe shifted.


	12. Weightless

**Chapter 12**

**AN**

No lyrics from Dave Matthews. Only a song from the Icelandic band Sigur Ros.

If you want you can Youtube it. Copy/Paste **SIGUR RÓS - vaka/untitled 1 live **into the search engine...it is the first one. If not, then Silence is Golden...and music is unnecessary.

...

**Jasper**

I stood at the top of Mount McKinley. Denali's finest in my opinion. Alaska took shape around me. Everything in my line of sight was white and jagged, sharp and jutting out from peculiar angles. There was no human in range for miles. I had taken the path that tours do not venture.

The wind attempted to correct nature, and remove my body from the space. Had I been a human my body would have succumbed and I would fall to my death. It's times like this when humans cry, seeing the world from this height. Seeing how inconsequential beings of flesh are.

I bent down and dug my fingers into the snow and ice. _No creature should disturb you, yet I do. I wreak havoc where I'm not wanted. I shouldn't exist._

All around me was silence, but the wind. It cried in pain, weeping for the beauty of it all. Perhaps it wept, like I wanted to, in reverence of the mountain. Its cry sounded in my ears, and fought to break at my skin, to do me in, and remove the anomaly it felt intruding in its space.

I fisted the cold in my hands, taking apart the surface beneath me. Like a low echo in my mind, I could almost feel the emotions of the mountain. Like the wind and rock and earth formed together long ago and emoted their plight to the skies. Their ancient song fisted my insides, taking my cold into their hands. It felt like blue and white and ice melding into me. It was a pulse the strength of which I only felt one other time, the emotions of someone burning in me of red not blue. Burning of fire not ice.

An errant thought, I left her back in Forks. And I would never return, not even after she was long gone. This mountain, it was the opposite of her. It was everything I ran away from more than a month ago. It was everything I wanted. _This mountain is what I want._ Solitary.

The echo of the mountain, its heart, became a drum. _This is what I want. I want to be alone. I want to be a mountain, cold and rock and earth and wind. _Alone.

I spread my arms out against the wind. _If I knew how to let go, I could become weightless and fly away, become one with the cry of the wind._

I remained. I could not let go. I could not make myself weightless. I could not cry. I was the anomaly, alien to this place. Alien to all.

I left, letting the snow fall from my hands. I ran down the mountain. Leaving the glacier behind me. Leaving the wind to find its rhythm without me to disrupt it.

When I was back under the cover of trees and closer to the wildlife civilization I opened my senses to the hunt.

One thing about Denali was the fierceness of the prey. Though I usually hated to hunt I took a sick pleasure in drinking a wolf. There was something about their eyes; the animal in them was like looking in a mirror. I would taunt them before I attacked. Taking their life was like righting the world. I couldn't kill myself. I wouldn't leave this world for another. I had an obligation to remain in this hell for eternity. But hearing the last beats of life from a wolf felt right to me.

I recognized the perverse logic of it, ridding the earth of myself because I saw myself in the wolf. It did not lessen the pleasure I took in it, it did not keep me from taking it.

I stared at the salt and pepper wolf before me. Its front teeth were bared, drool dripped from its mouth. _Pleasure._ I crouched and hissed. The wolf's eyes were golden and throbbing with intensity. They slanted against its vicious growls. Gold boring into black, defending his territory. We circled each other slowly, he growled and bucked his head. I sensed another wolf coming from behind me. I angled my body to the side as to better react to both attacks at once. I noticed the other wolf was brown, younger looking too. I stole a look at the eyes. Brown. A deep, chocolate brown. _Her eyes. Bella._

I stood from my crouch, ignoring the two snarling wolves at my sides. I couldn't take their lives. I couldn't drink them, gold and brown.

I was taken out of my body to another forest, being burned by a different set of brown eyes. I didn't hear the snarls at my side. I was running before I knew my feet had moved.

I walked into the house. The family was in the living room watching a movie. "Where are Alice and Edward?" I asked.

Tanya stood from her seat. "Jasper, join us. Emmett just put the movie in."

I looked at Emmett who shrugged. "Rose, Alice, and Kate went shopping. I think Edward went hunting. Now that you mention it, I don't know where he went."

I nodded. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. Edward had enough problems when Bella's face stole its way into my mind. He had trouble being around me lately, he struggled with his bloodlust for her. I didn't make it any easier by constantly thinking of her creamy skin, silk tulips at her cheeks, pink buds at her mouth, chestnuts at her eyes. No. I didn't make it any easier.

I looked around at everyone seated in the couches and chairs. Eleazar had his hand in Carmen's hair, her hand on his lap. They looked to be in another world. Carlisle and Esme sat similarly on a smaller couch situated in the corner. They were visiting for the weekend. The two were staying in Forks; Carlisle wanted to stay at the hospital. He had a critical cancer patient that he was constantly wracking his brain over. It was a little girl who was on her deathbed, and I think Carlisle wanted to wait it out with her. There was nothing more he could do for her, but be there. We didn't talk about it but I knew that when she was gone we would all move on to a new place together.

Irina and the new addition, Laurent sat together glancing sideways at one another. I felt an anxious vibe from both of them.

Laurent, the Frenchman, had arrived not long after he and his two companions visited Forks and talked with Esme and Carlisle. He had been intrigued by the vegetarian lifestyle and Carlisle sent him here. I think he had the unattached Denali girls in mind when sending him here. Irina offered to take him hunting for the first time and the two were inseparable ever since. The atmosphere of which was like poison to me, so I kept my distance from them as often as possible.

I took the seat next to Emmett. His arm was extended against the back of the couch. His hand grabbed my shoulder. "Have a good hunt there?" It was sarcastic. He could see that my eyes were still black after being gone for so long.

I shook my head. "The line at the drive-thru was too long." I smiled.

He didn't laugh.

"It's a human joke." I told him. Though I knew he got it.

Emmett just looked at me with a serious expression, "I know. But why didn't you hunt?"

I wasn't even sure how long I had been gone, half the day maybe. I didn't care. I just shrugged in response. The answer would have to suffice for him.

"I didn't sense Edward out there." He could have gone hunting farther away though.

Emmett confirmed my conclusion. "Maybe he's hunting far away."

He laughed. I looked at him and raised my eyebrow. He nodded to the TV. Oh right. The movie. It was one of his favorites, _Swingers._ I wondered if he brought it with him from home. I had seen it exactly 43 times. Though I counted five minutes of viewing time as one whole time. I saw it only once in its entirety. Emmett was in the hundreds. Edward and him fancied themselves as the lead characters. Of course they included me in the joke, but I usually just rolled my eyes and escaped to the nearest empty room.

In fact that one glance, just then, counted as the 44th time. It was time to get out. "I'm going to go look for Edward." I stood and left the room, and then the house.

I picked up his scent immediately. Though it only led to the garage, and I found it peculiar that he took the Volvo to hunt. It was more than peculiar; it was unheard of in such close proximity to the forest.

I pulled out my cell and dialed him. His phone was off. I didn't leave a message. Where was he?

Before I could put my cell away it rang. "Alice."

"Jasper." She was frantic. "I'm in Anchorage, we took Rose's car, it will take us too long to get back. I don't know what to do. I didn't see. I didn't see before…Jasper." I could tell she was dry sobbing.

"You didn't see what Alice." I asked through clenched teeth.

A pause. "I didn't see him go back. Edward went back Jasper. He went back for her."

I snapped the phone shut before she finished. I was running. No car could compete with my speed.

I let go. I became weightless. I became one with the wind. I became the cry on the mountain. I moved as I have never moved before. Alice's words echoed like the pluck of a bow to a violin, strong against my mind. _He went back for her. He went back for her. _

_He went back for her._

_I go back for her._


	13. Undone

**Chapter 13**

"_Sometimes I feel lost_

_As I pull you out like strings of memories_

_Wish I could weave them into you"_

_Dave Matthews-If I Had It All_

**Jasper**

His bloodlust was raging, alongside an out of control curiosity. He knew I was there. He stiffened, his hands tightening onto the branch he was crouched on, looking through her window.

_I can't let you do this Edward. _I thought.

He shook his head. "I can't hear her. Her blood, I feel that I will die if I don't take her." His face portrayed the agony that I felt emanating from him.

_Don't do this Edward. Think about Alice._

"No. This is bigger than her. Greater than anything I've ever felt." He caught my eyes for the first time. "Do you feel this?"

I cringed as he pushed his emotions onto me in an even greater force than normal. What he was feeling was worse than the first time when he nearly killed her in the parking lot. I leant over and grasped my knees with all my strength just to stop myself from entering the Swan house and draining her blood myself, his bloodlust becoming my own.

It was stronger than what he felt for Alice. Of course, it wasn't love, but the thirst overwhelmed him in a way that Alice never had, never could. I swallowed deeply, the venom coating my teeth pooling into my mouth intensifying the need to quench my thirst.

He wasn't becoming desensitized, not as I had. He had only seen her the one day. It had been building up within him. I knew that, I felt it from him each passing day, especially when she entered my thoughts. I never thought that he would come back for her.

"Edward, leave. Now!" I spoke as soon as I swallowed enough venom. It was nearly a growl. He just stared down at the ground, with his head inclined toward the window. The sky behind him seemed to darken. It needed to feed. It grew black without blood.

"Why can't I hear her?" He whispered.

I felt only peace coming from inside the room. The emotions reserved to the land of dreams, the ones that I would never experience.

I thought of Alice. I pictured her face, her smile, the way she scowled when she was angry, forcing Edward to come out of his trance. I wanted to distract him. I needed to.

"I don't know why you can't hear her thoughts Edward. She is a mystery."

I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate. I knew who it would be but I didn't reach for it. "Edward Alice is calling. Come down and talk to her." I looked up at him forcing all the calm and reason from myself onto him. It was as if it were going straight through him to the blackened sea behind him. I tried to keep my mind on Alice in an attempt to wrench his thoughts away from Bella. It didn't work.

"You can feel her." He said. It wasn't a question.

_Yes. _

"Alice can see her in the future."

_Yes. Alice. Think of Alice, Edward. _

His eyes were pitch black mirroring the canvas he was etched on.

"I must find out. I can't stand the silence from that room."

With that he lunged himself off the branch and toward her window. I left the ground and collided with him pushing my foot off the siding of the house. I threw him backward with all my force. Another sound, like the crack of lightning interrupted the night as his body smashed into the tree. The tree took the crash with a loud rumble, the vibrations shook our feet as we landed on the ground, less than a second later the crack sounded in the air. The top half of the tree fell in the direction of the street. Before it could hit the ground with another loud boom I caught it and gently put it on the ground.

I heard a loud gasp as I simultaneously got bombarded with a mix of fear and wonder. Bella. I looked up to the window, and our eyes locked. Her mouth hung open and her eyes doubled in size.

Edward was still crouched where he landed, facing me. He heard the gasp too, and straightened. His eyes followed my gaze. She was gone from the window.

_Edward we're leaving. _I demanded in my mind. He didn't move. But listened intently to the same sounds I was hearing.

I heard loud footsteps descending stairs. The front door flew open and Bella emerged tentatively her eyes still on me, in the middle of the street. Edward was by the bottom half of the tree. Closer.

His arm twitched, and in less than an instant I was in front of Bella.

At that moment Alice appeared from the trees. Her arms went immediately around Edward's waist. I tried to ignore the frantic emotions coming from behind me. I was so close to her that we were touching. My back pressed against her. Her warmth wrapped itself around me, messaging its fingers through my back and clenching onto my stomach.

Edward returned Alice's embrace, finally being pulled from his daze. "I'm sorry love, I was weak." She looked up at him and her lip curled up a little at the end. He was forgiven. It seemed to take her presence to rein him in. "Let's go." He said, while pulling her tighter to him.

She turned toward Bella and I. "Thank you Jasper."

_I didn't do this for you._

It was a wayward thought. I didn't consciously make it. _Of course I did this for Alice, for all of us._ Secrecy was everything. Edward would destroy our anonymity. He would ruin himself by taking a human's life after so many years of discipline. _I did this for all of us. I did this for us._ I retraced my thoughts, but Edward hadn't missed the first one. The blunder.

His eyes were on me, narrowing. Confusion.

I thought fast but precise, _Of course I came back to stop you for our sake. Why else? Do not think I spare any feelings for this human Edward? I don't. _

He knew better, he saw her in my mind for over a month. He saw her as I saw her. And he knew it was a lie I told him now.

Alice's arms went slack from around his waist and her eyes went blank.

I heard Bella whisper my name from behind me. I couldn't turn to look at her while Edward was there. I wouldn't let down my guard. Alice was here, but I in no way trusted Edward in Bella's presence.

She tried to move to the side, I stopped her by grabbing her forearm and pulling her fully behind me. The same shock of energy from the first time I touched her face, electricity bolted through my dead veins. My chin came in bracing against the force of the power the touch wielded. I held on ignoring her impatience and the way her heart sped at my touch. It ran faster than when she saw me catch a tree.

Edward was intent on Alice, who was having a vision. His eyes widened and shot to me.

"You can't." He gasped.

Alice's eyes cleared, her expression was perplexed. Her emotions went from worry, to anger, to resignation. "No Edward, He can. And He will."

"What is it?" Despite myself I was curious. She just shook her head and looked around apprehensively as if we were being watched.

"She hasn't told anyone else. She's not going to either." She spoke so Bella wouldn't hear, we all were.

Edward was shaking his head roughly. "You can't know that. How does she know Alice?"

"I don't know. But she does. We have to go."

He looked deep into her eyes, reading her mind.

I couldn't stand this. "What the hell did you see Alice?" I spat.

They ignored me. Edward closed his eyes and sighed. "Let's go."

Edward I don't have the patience for your silent speak. Go back to the house and wait for me. I'll be along.

"No. We're going back to Denali. Maybe we'll take a trip, just the two of us."

Alice smiled up at him sweetly. I had enough of this. "Just leave." My voice was almost a shout. Bella definitely heard that.

Alice nodded. She spoke loud enough so that Bella could hear her. "I'm sorry Bella. I'm so sorry."

And then they were gone, into the trees. I waited until I no longer felt their presence. I released my hold on Bella's arm. My whole body felt as though it were being drained of heat. I turned and she looked up at me. I felt the warmth that left with her touch begin to invade me again.

She broke the silence with a loud grunt. She spoke to me between gritted teeth, "You're never going to tell me are you?" The frustration came from her in drones. "Who you really are."

I sighed and let out a breath I was holding. The scent of her neck was nothing compared to what it had been through Edward's feelings. Compared to that, it was almost like avoiding an animal in a hunt, not a human. Almost.

"Bella." My head fell slightly releasing her gaze.

She spoke when I said nothing more. "I saw everything Jasper. I _see_ everything." Her eyes began to glisten. Her voice was rough, "I see you fighting for me. I know you fought Edward that first day. And now. But then you just act like I'm not here. Like I don't exist." A tear left her eye and glazed down her flushed cheeks. Her voice trembled as she said. "I'm right here Jasper."

She shifted and I looked into her eyes again. They undid me. I snapped.

Whether it was the tenderness coming off of her, or the words she used I couldn't find myself. I couldn't find my anger. I couldn't find my hate.

It was like the darkness lifted and I was suddenly drowned in cream and roses. Drowning, not swimming. I had no more control over my limbs or senses or thoughts or feelings.

I fell to my knees.

She gasped.

The flood took me.

"Jasper!"

The night that Vera and I made love she went missing. She left me, disappeared. She used her talent to will herself away from my arms. One moment she was lying in my embrace, resting her chin on my chest, cupping my face in her hand. The next moment she dropped her hand and her gaze went to the ceiling, and then she was gone.

I looked for her in vain for hours, but I knew that search would be fruitless. She had gone back to find her family in the camps. On our travels away from Texas, she told me that she needed to find them. Her mother and sister were gone, but she never knew what became of her father and younger brother. She wanted to go back and question the vampire who changed her. If he knew nothing, she would move on, she would search the camps, and each face of every prisoner until she found them. She would look until the end of time, this I knew without her having to tell me so.

She did not know the vampire's name, but with her talent she could simply will herself to confront him, and she would be in front of him. He was her first line of inquiry. Though I didn't agree that he would know anything of consequence about her family, she was adamant that he be the first. "It doesn't make sense that I was chosen, among everyone around me, thousands of people Jasper. This man chose me."

I had the feeling that she thought her father was involved in some way. There was an undercurrent of hope running through her. She wanted to believe that he was looking out for her, that he saved her after everything. She wanted to believe that he had been saved too. I just took her face in my hands, smoothed the shadows beneath her crimson eyes, and agreed to look with her. Of course I agreed, wherever she went, I would follow.

The second day after her disappearance, I booked a ticket on a flight to Poland. It was our plan to look there first. It was the location of her imprisonment, Auschwitz. It was where I would find her. I had to.

I was too impatient to wait for the night flight. The sun shone in Philadelphia. So bright the blacktop streets glistened like crystals. It was the beginning of September, the beginning of the day, and the beginning of the end. And I walked right into it. I cloaked myself in the shadow of a thick hood. The cuffs of my sleeves blanketed my hands, revealing no skin. No I could not wait for a night flight. I needed to find her, and now.

I bought many seats side by side so that I would not have to sit beside any humans. It was the first time I had experienced the true test of restraint on my thirst. And I failed it. I drained two stewardesses after coercing them to show me the lower deck.

I felt their lust, I pulled the one in with my right hand caressing her neck as she allowed me to bring my lips to her throat, when her eyes were closed I reached out and snapped the other one's neck with my left hand. Lust turned to confusion and fear when my kiss on her neck turned to a bite, and then of course her horrifying pain. I felt it all, as I always did. And I wanted to die with them, so that I would not have to endure it the next time I would take a victim.

I found my way to the airplane bathroom. I wanted to see the look on my face, to see the pain and blood of my victims ripple beneath my skin as it settled within its new owner. _This is what I am, what I always will be._ Though I hated it. My hate took on the shade of dark black crimson, the color of my eyes, the color of their blood.

I had stopped playing the role of warrior when I left Maria's army. I quit the game. I gave it all up for Vera. She was everything, the difference between the hate I saw when I looked in the mirror, and the love I felt when I looked at her. She would make this damnable existence worth living. The blood in my eyes, it led back to Vera. It dampened my hate, turning me into a willing customer, waiting in the never-ending line of hell. I would wait, and be happy to do it, taking as many lives with me as I did. As long as I could hold her face in my hands, reach down and grab onto her fingers. As long as I could hold on to her, I would wait in this world forever.

I was staring at my eyes in the mirror of the cramped airplane bathroom. I was alone. And then I wasn't and I saw her in the reflection. I whirled around in the small space. I couldn't believe my eyes. She was in my arms before I really accepted that she was there.

"Jasper, where are we?" She asked confused.

"We're in an airplane, I was coming to find you."

I grabbed onto her shoulders and pushed her back so that I could look at her face. Something had changed there. There was a stoicism there that hadn't been before. Her emotions felt like a buzz of static. I couldn't get a clear read on how she was feeling. Though the buzz was razor sharp and it hurt to feel her.

"Vera, what happened? What did you find?"

She ignored my question. "I found you, didn't I? I'm sorry I left you. I hadn't meant to. I couldn't control it, my power. I tried to get back to you when I left, but it wouldn't let me."

"Who wouldn't let you?"

"My power." She whispered.

"What did you find Vera?" I asked her again.

She went on like she hadn't heard the question. "I can't control my emotions. The power, it knows them better than I do. It sends me away from you, even though I don't want to leave. It knows deep down…that I do."

I shook my head. "No you're with me now, just hold on to that. You're not going anywhere, and if you do I will just follow you. I'll find you." I cradled her head into my chest and enveloped her with all the calm I could muster.

I decided to change my line of questioning. "Did you find him?"

A sob escaped her body. I closed my eyes and held on tighter. When I opened them we were no longer in the airplane bathroom. I looked around. We were in a bedroom.

"Where are we now Vera? Where did you bring us?"

She looked up, confused. She started to dry sob. She fell to the floor. It was carpeted in a light blue shade. Her fingers opened and closed, clinging to the small fibers of the rug. I wound my arms around her waist, sending out more calming waves to counteract the sharp pang of sorrow I was getting from her.

I looked at the room. We were in a house, though the dust that filmed on top of the furniture made me think it was deserted. No humans inhabited this place for many years. I suddenly knew where we were.

"This is your home. This is where you grew up."

Her voice was shaking, "This is my…was my room. I haven't been here in three years." She stopped sobbing, and I felt the razor sharp buzz of her emotions ebb back into me. I looked at her face, it was the stoic mask again. She stood and walked over to the door, without looking back she opened it and walked out of the room.

I followed her as she walked down the wooden steps. Her skin glistened as the light from the many windows in the house shone in the shadows. The dust and grime accumulated on the glass gave the light a grainy texture. She descended and I followed silently.

She made her way into the kitchen, and then opened another door and stepped into the darkness that escaped it. The basement.

We were in a dank cellar. The air around us was cool and moist. She ran her fingers softly over the grey brick wall. "When we heard word that the Germans were coming to take us from our homes, father asked us what we wanted to keep, what our most precious belonging was." She paused and looked at me standing there staring at her. "He made us think on it very hard. And I did." She touched her throat. "My grandmother died when I was 11. On her deathbed she gave me the ring my grandfather gave to her when he proposed. He died when I was just a baby. I never knew him. She told me so many stories about him Jasper. She never stopped loving him. It's important, I think, to tell those we love about those we have lost. I'm sorry I haven't told you more about my family Jasper. I'm so sorry."

I reached out to her, but she put her hand up to stop me. "She game me the ring, but it was too big for me, so I kept it on a chain around my neck. It was the most precious thing to me, and that is what I gave to my father." She stopped and smiled. And then her hand formed into a fist and she pounded the brick once, it gave way.

She reached into the hollow behind and pulled out a dust covered stuffed animal. "My sister chose to keep her bunny." She brushed the dirt from its face. "My sister, my Anna." She paused for what seemed an eternity, but was exactly 13 seconds. "Anna called her momma. She had it since she was a baby. She was holding it when she said her first word, 'momma.' It stuck." She reached again and brought out a ball. "Daniel was just two years younger than me, but he already knew that he wanted to be a baseball player when he grew up." She laughed slightly, though it was sad. "_When_ he grows up." She corrected herself. "He really was such a good ball player Jasper. You should see him play."

"I will one day Vera."

She nodded and handed me the ball. She reached in and pulled out a cloth bag, it jingled. "My parents saved some jewelry and money. And my mother put her journal inside." She pulled out an old looking notebook. She flipped through the pages, "This is my mother in here. These are her words." She ran her hand over the writing. "She lives in here Jasper."

I lifted her chin. "They all live in these objects." I reached into the void in the wall myself and pulled out the chain. "See. Here you are." I clasped the chain at the back of her neck and adjusted the simple golden ring over her chest. "This is you." I let my hand linger over the ring and the place where her heart sat silent beneath her chest. "They are alive in _here_."

We stood silent for a moment. "We should be going." She gathered the trinkets in her arms.

"Did you find him Vera, the man who changed you?"

"I did."

"And? Who is he?"

"He calls himself Isaiah. And he is expecting us."

"So our mission is with him?"

"Yes. We should go now. Hold on to me."

I wrapped my arms around her body, and held on tightly.

"Vera."

Warmth invaded me. The tinge of thirst clawed its way up my throat. I opened my eyes.

"Vera?"

"Jasper?" _Not Vera._

I loosened my grip around her body. "Jasper are you alright?" _Bella's voice._

I was lying on the ground. The grass gave way beneath me, the sky still black above me. Bella was in my arms. She looked up at me, her face pale and ghostlike in the night. "I think you fainted Jasper. Are you okay?"

I touched the top of her head and smoothed back the hair that was sticking up wildly. "I don't know if I'll ever be okay again Bella."


	14. MakeBelieve

Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer, I am just altering her universe.

**Chapter 14**

_"Hard for you I've fallen_

_But you can't break my fall_

_I'm broken don't break me_

_When I hit the ground"_

_Dave Matthews-Some Devil_

**Bella**

There's magic in make-believe. Every fairytale you hear is laden with it. Grand, spectacular things happen to princesses in forests and singing chipmunks. We all accept these tales with the knowledge that such things don't exist in real life, that real life is dark and scary and has more than one dark witch waiting for us in the shadows. Such a concept is common sense. When does the story end, and life begin? When does the magic disappear? When do the shadows take us from such naiveté? I don't think I know anymore, there is no longer a line that separates me from the magic that exists on the other side of reality.

Perhaps the line was crossed when I saw a vampire catch a falling tree in his bare hands, and gently place it on the ground. Maybe I entered the land of make-believe long before that night, maybe it was the first time I met him. Maybe.

All of that, the magic of it all didn't compare to the way my heart swelled at seeing Jasper outside my window. The fact that he caught a tree was a side-note in my mind; all that I could see was Jasper. Everything around him blurred and the moon seemed to shine a spotlight on him. He came back. Jasper was back. I never thought I would see him again, and my heart didn't fully realize how badly it hurt until I saw him standing there, looking up at me.

It all happened so fast. I walked out onto the lawn with my eyes zeroed in on Jasper. He became a blur and was in front of me in an instant with his back to me. I heard hissing, but he was so close to me that all I saw was his back. Something was very wrong. "Jasper" I whispered between my teeth. No reply. I looked around his arm. Edward and Alice were there, there arms around each other. What was going on? I tried to move around him, but he immediately took hold of my forearm and pulled me further behind him. His skin was like ice on mine. I had to catch my breath, the shock of his touch sent shivers along my spine. I had to lean my forehead into his back for leverage against my knees buckling.

I heard Jasper's voice as much as I felt it move through his body that was pressed against my own. "Just Leave."

Another voice, like a wind chime. "I'm sorry Bella. I'm so sorry." Alice.

Seconds passed and Jasper released my arm. I looked down and felt an ache where his hand had been. Like my skin had been burned. The bittersweet sting of ice on the skin as it melts to liquid. I nearly reached for his hand to replace the loss of the chill. As he turned everything else disappeared as I looked up to his face, hovering above me in the darkness. His skin shimmered like the reflection of the moon on a black lake, his eyes just as dark as the sky behind him. How did I not know the moment I laid eyes on him, of course he was a vampire. Jacob's legends were true. Nothing this beautiful, this extraordinary, this agonizing burning in my chest and stomach, could be human.

Why did magic have to find me, and leave me, and then come back again? Why did he come back, and why wasn't he saying anything? He was going to leave and I would never see him again. My teeth seemed to lock down on their own accord. I felt my face getting hot.

"You're never going to tell me are you?" I paused and took a breath to calm my nerves. "Who you are."

"Bella." It was like he wasn't talking to me at all, he looked down.

Silence. I wanted to lift his chin. I felt my mind warring with my almost twitching hand to move to his face. "I saw everything Jasper. I _see_ everything." _Everything from the first moment I laid eyes on you. _I added mentally. He wasn't looking at me. Of course he wasn't looking at me. My vision started to blur. _Great, perfect time for tears!_

_Please, just don't leave again. Please, just don't leave me. _He wouldn't look at me. His eyes closed as he inhaled deeply. _If you let me, I will never leave your side, _I thought before I said, "I'm right here Jasper."

He looked up and caught my eyes with his. His face was different, like the one from the cafeteria the day Jessica died. The last time I saw him. Like the agonized plastered mask was lifted and a serene calm overtook him, a lightness. Almost as soon as it appeared, it was gone and his eyebrows contracted in a confused expression and then he collapsed to his knees.

"Jasper!"

His response was to fall backward onto the grass. His eyes were open but unseeing, staring up at the sky. "Jasper. Please, what's wrong?" I reached for his neck to feel his pulse, when I reached it I realized that a vampire would probably not have one. When my hand touched the smooth skin at his neck, his arms moved and wrapped around me pulling me down on top of him.

He whispered something, it sounded like Bella, but I couldn't be sure.

"Jasper?" He blinked for the first time, and he loosened his hold on my torso. I heard the frantic edge to my own voice. "Jasper, are you alright?"

He didn't answer, just looked down at me on his chest. "I think you fainted Jasper. Are you okay?"

His hand came up and he smoothed down the hair on the top of my head. It felt like a boulder inched its way up my throat. My stomach twisted. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again Bella."

I swallowed down the large rock in my throat. I could feel my heart beating hard against both of our chests. His face still seemed serene, though he looked sad like he would start crying any moment. I would have done anything in that moment to make him okay, to make him smile. I reached my hand slowly to his neck. He didn't move. I just needed to touch him again, if I could touch him, everything would be all right. My fingertips grazed his chin and lightly moved back along his jaw. His hand moved from my head and he seized my hand, as it was about to reach his hair.

The sudden movement caught me off guard, and my eyes flinched to his. In the darkness his black eyes seemed to shadow half of his face. Like an alien, the shadows held no distinct form, except for a glint of light in the center. I was surprised how close my face was to his. His scent overcame me in waves and I smiled. I never wanted to move from the spot.

"Bella." Jasper's voice was rough. "Close your eyes."

I didn't even question him. I did as he asked. I felt his arms wind around my legs. It was a familiar feeling, one that I would never tire of. I instinctively curled my arms around his neck as I could feel him standing with me in his arms. Wind blew against my face, and I tightened my hold on his neck. He was laying me down, my eyes shot open. We were in my room. I was lying on my bed, and Jasper was standing at the window with his eyes closed leaning out. There was a light breeze moving through his hair.

I noticed his clothes were disheveled, wrinkled and dirty. Black pants and a white button down shirt. An image flashed through my mind of my fingers at the top button, undoing it. It left as soon as it entered, though it left its impression long afterward. He leant over the windowsill with his hands pressed into the pane, his head hanging down. I never saw a more beautiful sight than Jasper in repose at my window. Everything became clear, he didn't have to tell me who he was, I knew. He would never have to speak if he didn't want to. I could withstand the silence for forever if it was what he wanted.

I felt like I was leaving my body, like my skin and bones and blood were just restraints. They no longer held me, something more held onto me, something else entirely. In that moment I knew that I loved him. In that moment I knew that I had always loved him. He looked up at me suddenly, his eyes wide with an expression I hadn't seen on him before, surprise, bewilderment?

"Don't." It was barely a whisper, but I heard him. "You can't. I'm sorry I came back. I never meant to involve you so deeply." He seemed to be at a loss for words. He sat down beneath the window.

"What do you mean? Why did you come back anyway?" None of this made any sense.

He shook his head and grabbed onto his hair with both hands. "I know what you're thinking. Don't think of me as a hero. You don't know me, I'm no hero Bella."

Nothing he could say would change things. I stood up. "I do know you."

He stood then. "You don't know me, and you never will." I saw his jaw clench as I stepped closer. His eyes averted like he was angry. It didn't deter me; I took another step, slowly approaching him.

"I know who you are Jasper." I reached him. There wasn't a foot between us. He looked down at me like he was disgusted, his nostrils almost flared. My heart sped, realizing just what I was about to do. But it didn't stop me. "I know why when I checked your pulse it wasn't there. I know how you caught a falling tree with your bare hands." I reached down and grabbed his hands in mine. They were marble white, and unmarked. "Unscathed, no less." He pulled his hands from mine and took a step back.

"I can't do this." His voice seemed to shake. Or maybe it was me who was shaking. He continued, "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I know you're a…" The word seemed to bring me back into my own body. I felt the weariness of reality take me over again. All of the sudden the flighty feeling in my head was replaced with one of dizziness and I felt myself waver, my knees gave out. His body was against mine again, his arms circling me, half bent over my nearly fallen form. I took the leap, "vampire."

His face was unreadable, stone. He made no inclination that he even heard me declare that I knew his secret. Was I wrong then? No I couldn't be. If he wasn't a vampire then he was definitely superhuman.

He lifted me off of my feet quickly, but didn't pick my legs up like before, he merely carried me to my bed and plopped me down. "Just stay. Stay on the bed Bella."

I nodded up at him at a loss for exactly the right thing to say.

He continued. "In fact, go to sleep."

I made a face. "Unlikely."

He walked over to the window again, I looked at my clock 4:30 am. The sun would be rising soon. That brought up a thought. "Jasper, I thought vampires couldn't go outside in the sun. I have seen you in the daytime though."

He let out a frustrated sigh, and looked back at me. His face was almost amused. "And who told you I was a vampire?"

I shrugged trying to make it seem nonchalant. "There is a legend about your family on the reservation."

"And you believe every legend you hear?"

"When it explains all the strange things I've seen, yeah."

I watched, as he stood motionless, a statue crafted by the most skilled minds imaginable. He had nothing to say, what a surprise.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

He looked at me, "What would you have me say?"

"Anything. I would have you say anything, just speak to me."

He seemed to think for a moment. "You enjoy the idea of star crossed lovers Bella?"

That was unexpected, to say the least. "What are you talking about?"

He inclined his head toward my desk where my collection of Austen, Brontë, and Shakespeare among others lay. Well that wasn't exactly what I meant by _anything,_ but I would take it. "Not exclusively." I looked over at my pile of books and laughed. "It would seem that way wouldn't it?"

He didn't laugh. Wanting to hear him say the word lovers again I asked, "Do you?"

His eyes fell to the floor, "Some things are better left to the pages of books."

I nodded. "This is the point where I would have you say what you mean by that," to use his own words.

He looked out the window. "It's getting light out, I should go."

My heart skipped a beat, while simultaneously dropping to my stomach. "No!" I almost shouted. I leveled off my voice as to not wake Charlie. "You just got here. Where are you going? Where did you go when you left before? Please just stay."

He smiled slightly. "But the sun is coming up, I'll burn if I'm caught in it."

So I was right! He turned to the window as if to leave. "Wait!" I stood ignoring his plea for me to stay seated. "Don't go, just tell me something. I can't stand it Jasper. I can't stand this feeling, this not knowing. You leave after Jess dies, then without so much as a warning I find you juggling a tree on my lawn. I've seen how fast you move, how strong you are. I know what you are Jasper, please just let me in. Just talk to me."

He moved so fast I wasn't expecting it and I let out a yelp, my neck was cupped in his hand and his other hand grabbed onto my shoulder. He was pulling my head backward so hard that it hurt. "Jasper." I let out a pitiful plea.

I felt his breath on my neck; it raised bumps along the skin that it touched. "You think you know me?" His voice was low and terrifying. "You want to know more? You want it all? Everything?" I felt something graze along beneath my chin. His nose? "You say vampire like it's a gift. Like it's something to celebrate. Will you celebrate my teeth sinking into your flesh? Will you sing and dance when I have drained you of your life?" His voice became rougher with each word. I felt single hairs at the nape of my neck being ripped from the force of his grip. I heard him growl, I felt the resulting excess chill on my neck. "Well?"

I closed my eyes and tears came rushing out. No I would not rejoice in my death. _Let me go. Let me go._ "LET ME GO!" I screamed.

He did. "That's better." He almost whispered.

Before I could blink the tears fully from my eyes, he was gone.

I heard Charlie yell my name from his bedroom. He must have heard my scream. I walked over to the window and looked out.

Outside the coming sun interrupted the blackness, and a dark blue tint painted the air. Somewhere a vampire fled from his victim. I stood rubbing the ache he left on the back of my neck. My other hand gently touched the place where his breath had been under my chin. Two sides warred with one another for my attention. Of course I was scared, I thought Jacob said the Cullens only drank animal blood. Then again, he could have killed me, if that's what he really wanted. _What he wanted. _I supposed I would never know. Well, I knew what he didn't want. He didn't want me. Make-believe did exist for me after all. Magic happened. There were just more shadows then the pages in books lead you to believe.

Charlie ripped open my bedroom door. "Bella? Are you okay? I heard a scream."

What I thought was: No Charlie, I don't think I'll ever be okay again. But what I said was: "Yeah, it was only a nightmare."

I looked out the window and thought of another reason for explaining my scream. "Lightning must have hit, the tree fell."


	15. The Liberator

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, not me.

**Chapter 15**

"_Spinning on the wind_

_the leaf fell from the limb_

_and everyday should be a good day to die"_

_Dave Matthews-You Never Know_

**Jasper**

Once I left Bella's presence I locked on to Edward and Alice's trail and followed it back to our home on the outskirts of town. I didn't stop until they were in front of me, sitting at the dining room table hand in hand, waiting for me. I was in no mood for lies.

"Is there something you'd like to tell me?" My frustration was evident in my tone.

Alice answered me. "I don't know how she knows Jasper. She just does."

"What do you mean you don't know? A human uncovers our secret, Bella Swan, no less, and you don't know why? I'll tell you why, she's friends with the Quileutes, they've been spreading scary stories around town."

"Relax." Edward breathed out.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Calm down Jasper, she's not going to tell anyone." Alice said, a little annoyance in her tone.

I hadn't realized I walked right up to her. My fists clenched at my sides. "All of the sudden you see the future?" My anger was seething.

Edward stood at her side. "I said relax." He spoke through his teeth. Good, anger was what I wanted from them. They were acting too calm about this.

Alice spoke up. "Sit down, both of you." We obeyed. "Esme, Carlisle, Rose and Emmett are all coming home. We will sit and talk about this."

I shook my head, before she could finish. "There is nothing to talk about. We're done here. I'm going to call them and tell them to stay in Denali. We'll meet them there. You say Bella won't say anything to anyone, I see no reason why we should stay."

I didn't miss the glance that they exchanged with one another. Alice closed her eyes for a moment and Edward blew a hiss through his teeth. When she opened them I couldn't contain my curiosity. "What is it?"

When she said nothing I nearly shouted but reined in my voice to a whisper instead, "Please Alice, I don't have patience for this."

"Can you think of no reason to stay?"

_What is that supposed to mean? Of course not. We have every reason to leave. Maybe she didn't see me in Bella's room. Maybe she didn't see the fear in Bella's eyes, hear her scream like I did. _

Edward answered my internal dialogue. "We saw. Alice saw it in a vision. She told me you were just trying to scare her." I nodded unabashed. He continued. "Is that all there is Jasper? Were you just trying to scare her?"

"You know it is, I would never hurt her."

A small smirk appeared on Alice's face but was gone almost as fast as it appeared. "I would say Jasper, that _that _is the reason you're looking for. A reason to stay."

"Stay if you want to Alice, I'm through with Forks."

"You came back for a reason Jasper. And as much as you want to deny it, it wasn't about us. You didn't come back to retain our anonymity. You know why I called you first when I had the vision of Edward here. You know what you came back for. You know _who_ you came for."

"Alice stop!" I shouted and pounded my fist to the table. It shook and nearly cracked in two. "So she reminded me of her the first day. That's it; the similarities stop there. It was a lapse, please stop torturing me for it." I looked down to my clenched fist and it seemed to pulse from the strength of it's own grip onto itself. I could feel my face melt from its usual tension. My mouth dropped open, and I tried to shake the thoughts from my head before they took me. "It was just a lapse Alice. She is nothing more than a lapse. And this…" I looked down to my fist and flexed my hand, how it had, not ten minutes ago been wrapped around Bella's neck pulling her backward off her feet, feeling the warmth spread beneath it's marble exterior. _Just a lapse. Nothing more._ "This…this is nothing more than the ghost, the echo of that lapse. Don't paint me a picture of a horse and a knight Alice. I am no knight. And Bella is no damsel in distress. Shrouded in mystery maybe, and riddled with troubles, but they all lead back to this family. When we are gone for good, she will live free of worry."

"I think we can all agree that this is more than that Jasper." She added with a wave of her hand in the air.

"Damnit Alice, listen to me! I need to get away from her. I can't stand it any longer. I need to get out." I felt suffocated. Like her warmth had crept slowly through the woods and followed me home and was just now inching its way up my spine, whispering its greeting to my neck. It was enveloping me, her twitching smile flashed through my mind, the curve of her hair as it cascaded to her back, the pink in her cheeks as she screamed to escape my arms. _No! I need to get out._ I took a few steps backward into the embrace of the warmth as it invaded my territory. I welcomed it before I ran away from it.

"I need to hunt." I barely choked out before I darted out the door. The air whirled around me and I raced faster and faster to escape the warmth. It wouldn't let me go. I knew Alice was following me. I pushed on. The warmth latched onto my chest sparing two of its never-ending arms to curl its dagger fingernails into my forgotten heart.

Forgotten but not untouched.

Dead.

Gone. But forever present in my chest. _Vera._

Vera introduced me to leader of the revolution, Isaiah. This man, this vampire warrior was the tall and hovering leader of the small army of vampires he had created for a single purpose, to free the Jews. It was a different army than I was used to. This one consisted of a purpose with meaning, one that I understood the reason behind, though I didn't entirely agree with it. Something irked me about changing humans from the camps into vampires. Something behind Isaiah's plan made me uneasy.

The training was quite different from what I was used to. For one thing, these vampires were not mounting an army to fight other vampires. They were fighting the imprisonment and cleansing of an entire people. This was not something I understood how to accomplish.

Isaiah was the oldest vampire I had come across, born in the year 1616 in what is today known as the Ukraine. His eyes never lightened after a feeding. They always seemed to glow a deep red black. His hair was pitch black as were his eyebrows, which shot like arrows up to his temples. I shuddered to think of his mouth on Vera, as he changed her. My dislike for Isaiah was always at the back of my mind, but it was overshadowed by Vera's blind passion toward him. She looked up to him, believed in the words he preached each night, and wanted to join his ranks.

She watched him with a small smile on her face as he stood slightly raised from the crowd. He was speaking down to them from atop his platform. He told his story each night hoping to instill a fire within the army, one that would not be quenched until the job was done. His family was torn apart during the Ukrainian National Liberation War in 1648. His wife, and three children were all slaughtered, while he lay writhing about in agony during his three-day transformation into an immortal.

I could almost hear the number of years echoed in the tenor of his voice. "We are here to bring about the end of the Holocaust. The armies of the human world fight for the end of World War II, to bring down Hitler, to eradicate the evil that spurns in the gut of this great land. We will do our part. We will take back our freedom. You are all free now, you may leave this country, you may if you wish, sail to greener pastures and forget this blasphemy, leave it to your past, to your human memories. But I entrust that each and every one of you will stay, not because you are bound by me, but because you are liberators, you are finally free from those camps, finally free to flee, but you will not, because it is on your shoulders to go back and free the rest." His eyes roamed over the crowd of about twenty vampires, including Vera and myself. "Soon we will end this war. Soon we will take back our collective freedom. We are not free yet, not until we are _all_ free."

A question leapt to my lips, and I said, "Why not kill the leader? Do away with Hitler and avoid all this?"

His black eyes grabbed onto mine so strongly that I felt that I would topple over. His lower jaw jutted out and clenched down. For a moment I prepared myself for a fight, but his anger turned quickly into slight amusement. "Jasper, is it?" He knew it was. I figured he was speaking English solely for my benefit. I heard whispers of translation among the crowd. "Jasper, you know nothing of war. Not of the human kind anyway." He let that sit for a moment. "This is not a simple solution, the institution that allows for this slaughtering is in place. Hitler is more than a man, more than just a body to eliminate. He is an idea, a belief, though ignorant as it may be. Removing its source cannot abolish the principle of Hitler. It is a big ugly monster, more terrifying than any newborn you've devoted your immortality to." He spat the last part, clearly as an insult.

"So your plan is to change as many prisoners into vampires as you can, and then what?" I asked slightly on the defensive.

"You are misinformed. It is your first night here, so I will excuse your ignorance. But no, that is not my plan. We have been taking the prisoners from the camps, and keeping them alive. We have been freeing them. I have changed a certain amount, to help me in my endeavors."

This did take me by surprise. Vera had not told me this, albeit she wasn't saying much of anything. "I apologize Isaiah, I hadn't realized."

He nodded once as an acceptance of my apology. "So what say you Jasper, Vera, will you join us?"

Vera stepped a foot in front of me to my side, "Yes Isaiah, you know that I will."

My stomach tightened at her enthusiasm about this quest. But I knew that it was what she wanted, what she needed. And she would never stop until she found her father and brother in the camps. Isaiah looked to me. I stepped up to stand level with Vera. I grabbed her hand. "Yes, I'm in."

Alice caught up to me and pleaded with me to stop and speak with her. "Just stop. Talk to me." I slowed, but didn't stop. "You asked for it." She shot at me, toppling me to the ground. We rolled down a small hill to our left and hit a large tree trunk. Small animals flitted away from us into hidden holes and even larger ones kept running on for miles. She had my arm pinned behind my back her other hand dug into my hair pushing my face to the dirt.

She laughed, her voice peeling through the air around us. "Sorry Jasper, but you wouldn't have stopped. I saw that you would have kept running…forever." She laughed again. I pushed up and she leapt off of me gracefully to stand opposite me as I stood setting my glare on her.

"What do you want from me Alice? Do you want me to stay in Forks that badly? Why are you so adamant about this?"

"And why are you? Trust me Jasper, you need to stay. You need to work this out. More than that, you want to."

I growled at her, "I hate when you tell me what I want. It's so annoying, do you know that?"

She smiled and shrugged, unaffected by my pathetic intensity. "Deny it if you want Jasper, I know you better than you know yourself, and I know you want this. I know you want her."

I turned around and threw my hands up in the air in frustration. "I can't win with you Alice, you are making me insane!" I grabbed my hair with tense fingers trying to release some of my anger. My hands ran through my hair and rested curling around my neck.

"I know I am. Believe me. I think you need the push. You need me to push you. Or maybe Bella will push you. Though I imagine she already has, and that's what's led us to this situation to begin with." She trailed, rambling.

I rested my back against the tree we hit at the bottom of the hill. I would not let Alice win this argument. She could try all she wanted. I was not budging. I was leaving Bella alone. We were all leaving Forks and she was going to grow old and be free from monsters. The image of Bella with graying hair seeped into my thoughts. She sat rocking in the chair in her room. She was reading one of her many books that I saw on her desk earlier. She looked sad, and I wanted to reach out my emotions to her to make her smile. Her hair turned from gray to white, and then whiter, and even thinned out. The book in her hands grew worn from the years. It fell from her hands to her lap. I looked up at her face, and her eyes were not the chocolate brown they were now, but were filmed over slightly, she looked straight into me for a moment that seemed to go on forever, and then her eyes closed and her head slumped to the side, she would breathe no longer. Old age had taken her, as it should. And I wanted to die. I wanted to die, and go where she went, where she no longer needed to breathe. I wanted to follow her.

I felt myself falling to the ground, and Alice's hand against my cheek. "Jasper." She whispered understandingly. _No, anything but that. Be angry! I am!_ She continued in a whisper. "I see how it hurts you. I know this is hard. Hard doesn't begin to explain it. But you need to let her go. You need to let Vera go." I couldn't even cringe at the mention of her name, I felt numb. "She let you go. It's your turn. Hold on to the feeling you get when you think of Bella. Hold on to that Jasper. Reach out and take hold of it. She reminded you of Vera, but she is not Vera. She won't leave you. She won't, I promise. She will be everything to you. You just have to let her."

I heard her, but I couldn't find the strength or the motivation to rebuke her. I felt her hand against my cheek, willing me to heed her words. "Just let her." She whispered again.

I sat up and took her hand in mine. "Let's go home Alice."

She nodded. We stood together and slowly began our trek back to Forks.


	16. Slowly

**Disclaimer 1: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and these are her characters that I'm using and not profiting financially off of.**

**Disclaimer 2: The poem "If you come Softly" is by Audre Lorde, I am merely using it to advance my story.**

**Chapter 16**

_"My darling heart_

_Won't you please give in?_

_I may be strong_

_But I want you back again"_

_Dave Matthews-Angel_

**Bella**

I sat in English listening to Mr. Mason's voice flow over a new poem we were discussing. I had never heard it before and I lightly traced the words on the sheet he handed out to us. It was called "If You Come Softly."

If you come as softly

_As the wind within the trees_

_You may hear what I hear_

_See what sorrow sees._

_If you come as lightly _

_As threading dew_

_I will take you gladly_

_Nor ask more of you._

_You may sit beside me _

_Silent as a breath_

_Only those who stay dead_

_Shall remember death._

_And if you come I will be silent_

_Nor speak harsh words to you._

_I will not ask you why now._

_Or how, or what you do._

_We shall sit here, softly_

_Beneath two different years_

_And the rich earth between us_

_Shall drink our tears._

He ended the last verse, I looked up from the sheet to him as he sat on the edge of his desk and asked us what we thought the poem meant. The class looked bored, and about as close to answering him as he was to breaking out in a jig. What did it mean? If _who_ came as softly? I know what I thought of while he read it, but I'm sure the ache in my heart for honey hair and golden eyes was not the answer he was looking for.

"Think people, what did Audre Lorde mean when she wrote this? What was she getting at?" Mr. Mason passionately intoned.

Eric raised his hand, "Death" he said. The two shared a silent moment of understanding with one another, before Mr. Mason asked him to elaborate. "Well, I mean, someone is talking to the dead right? Like at a grave or something."

"And what makes you say that?" Mr. Mason asked.

"The last part about 'two different years,' that means birth year and death year right? I don't know, I pictured a headstone." He paused, "And it says 'the rich earth between us shall drink our tears.' That makes me picture someone on one side of the earth and the other, the dead, on the other side."

Mr. Mason nodded, "Exactly Eric. It is about death." He paused and checked his watch. "It's about time to go, but I want each of you to write a paper examining each stanza in this poem. What does it mean to you? Typed up, and that will be due on Monday. We have five minutes left, but I'll let you go early, have a good weekend."

I sat in my room and stared at my computer waiting for it to boot up. My gaze fell to by notebook, I was trying, and failing to focus on the task at hand, Mr. Mason's assignment. What did it mean? I read it over and over again, but I seemed to be uncharacteristically unable to sort this particular poem out. I stood from the desk to pace or get a snack from downstairs, anything to get away from that poem.

When I turned around he was there. And I wasn't afraid, shocked, but not afraid. Heartbeats came and went. His eyes bore into mine, looked like they wanted to cry. He was wet, his hair graced his forehead and I took an involuntary step toward him wanting so badly to push it back off his face.

He didn't speak or do anything really. He barely moved; he was a statue in my room.

I took another step toward him, then another. I knew; instinct drove all my actions with Jasper from the beginning. I knew that he needed me to go slow, or else he might drop from the window and flee again. And then I would be left hurt and unfocused like in class earlier, and all together incomplete. So my next slow step was also for my sake, because I needed to figure out who he was to me, and I needed to figure out who I was to him.

The aching feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one that grabs onto my vocal cords and hops down to the very base of my stomach and jumps there like the Mad Hatter. Something that I just knew would be slightly quenched when my skin met his.

I finally made my way to stand directly in front of him. I stayed perfectly still as to not entice his bloodlust. I slowly lifted my hands to his elbows and gave a gentle squeeze. He looked up at me with an unreadable expression, as a result his hair fell into his eyes and I couldn't restrain myself, I raised my fingers and pushed it back. I had something I wanted to say, or a million things more like, but I settled for the simplest. "Thank you for coming back." I heard only a tinge of sadness and disappointment in my voice. Because I didn't know what was going on, from the very second I met Jasper, till this one. I needed to know, but I wouldn't dare ask him again and risk him leaving.

He spoke and it nearly made me cry. "Bella, there are things about me that you don't understand yet. I have spoken about this with my family, and no one else, for many years." He paused and placed his hand over his forehead, and then he began rubbing his temples. He continued. "I care about you Bella. I don't know why or how or when, but I care about you."

He wasn't making eye contact with me, his eyes were darting everywhere but mine, but I wasn't going to interrupt him for anything let alone eye contact. Obviously this was how he needed to tell me.

He continued when I gave him no response. "I'm a monster and you shouldn't care for a monster, but I know you do. I can feel you. Your emotions, and it's not lust. You want me to be happy. You see the pain on my face. It wasn't always there. You see it though, and you want to break it. You want to make me whole again. And that is why I keep leaving you."

He leaned down the wall next to the window and hung his head between his knees.

"I'm in a constant state of misery Bella, and I embrace that misery. I _am_ misery. And feeling something other than fear or lust or jealousy, or jesus everything that I feel every second of this goddamn life I'm living. All of these emotions from other people, I feel them all and they have made me numb, _she_ made me numb."

He snorted, "You're bewildered, how do I know others' emotions? It's my talent. A gift, the devil would probably say, a blessing to go along with the damnation of immortality. Though it is undoubtedly my curse to be able to feel the emotions of those around me." He let out a breath. I looked down at him from the window, the moon shown through and gave me enough light to see his translucent, ghostly skin. He continued. "All of that undesirable emotional static changed the day I met you. The first time I saw you, I thought you were someone else, someone from my past, someone that has put me in this constant misery." He paused for a long time, so long that I started to feel a certain ease in the darkness, a calm in the haze of myth turning into reality. Jasper's words were like clouds filling me and soothing me rather than intimidating me as they probably should have.

When he continued his voice was barely a whisper. "Her name was Vera. I loved her Bella, with all my heart. We weren't together long." Another long pause that I left uninterrupted. His voice was cold when he said, "She died." And then he became immortally still.

"Jasper?" I whispered so lightly as to not disturb even the air around him. I bent down on my knees to be level with him. "You can tell me anything Jasper. I'm in this with you, let me help you." I touched his knees, clad in jeans dampening from the rain outside. "Let me in Jasper," I said a little louder this time.

He looked up at me with pained eyes. "I know that I need to. But I just don't want to Bella. I've lived with this pain for so long that it is who I am now. What I did in my past makes me a monster, and that can never touch you. But I fear that it will; that it already has, because I know you love me. I know it, I feel it from you right now, right this second I am trying to push away your love from me, so that it doesn't interfere with my misery, with my hate, with my…with my love for her."

For Vera, Vera was the core of it all. But she was no more. I was here; I was the one to help him. He needed me. Whatever this was, it was a cry for help. _And I will love him, you say you can feel my emotions, feel me, do you feel this? _I bombarded him with my heart, my head, my everything. I started to cry, from all the emotions I was unleashing toward him. _I will be here Jasper._

My voice came out hoarse, "I will be here. I will always be here for you. Tell me more, tell me less, tell me anything you want. It doesn't matter, I'll be right here however you want me to be." My voice cracked at the end and tears started rolling down my cheeks, I didn't even venture to look at his face, I didn't want to know that he wasn't looking at mine. "I took a stronger grasp of his knees and pulled myself ever so closer and leant my face against my hands on top of his knees.

"I have had no experience with this Jasper. I've never even really had a boyfriend, not that that's what you are. But it's a close approximation. And I'm not sure how to handle my heart let alone yours and so many years of memories and love and loss and death. But sitting here…" I had to pause because I choked on my last word; tears came down again. I swallowed, "Sitting here, touching you, I have never felt more sure of anything in my life. And my instincts tell me that if you let me I will be able to help you, and I know you don't want the help. I understand being miserable, and not wanting to accept help. But this help, will be for both of us. Misery is not who you are Jasper. It's not. It's just a plague that has taken over you. But you are in there, and I'm going to find you. I will find you, whether you want to be found or not, I'm going to find you."

It was then in that moment of clarity looking into Jasper's eyes that had finally found mine, and enveloped me in warm amber that I understood Mr. Mason's poem from English. It was a poem spoken from the living to the dead, while the living kneels before a gravestone. I understood because I was lucky, my Dead would never be underground, I could sit with him as the poem said as 'Silent as a breath.'

I felt myself blushing just thinking about reciting the poem to him. It didn't look like he was moving anytime soon so I took the opportunity, and went with my instincts and in barely a whisper I recited only the first stanza, but decided to change it, invert the words a little so that it was from my perspective, letting Jasper know that I wasn't going to let him go.

"I will come as softly

As the wind within the trees

I may hear what you hear

See what sorrow sees."

His head shot up, "Audre Lorde?"

My eyes widened, "You know her?"

He nodded, "Yes I read a lot. It's all I am ever able to do for a sustainable period of time." He paused and stood up to lean on the windowsill. He continued, "It's a beautiful poem."

His face seemed to be more serene than pained at the moment and I instantly didn't regret reciting it to him. He looked down at me still kneeling on the floor. He breathed deeply and let out a sigh that I didn't hear but could see. The look in his eyes was something I'd never seen there before; it looked something like acceptance.

Whatever this was, I would not be the narrator from the poem. I would not speak to the dead and hope for them to come back against all odds and spare a second of their time from the netherworld to spend it with me. My dearest wish came true, Jasper came back, probably against my unlucky odds, and other factors I was not entirely sure of. But he came back to my room, needing my help, exactly what I needed from him. He was very much alive, no earth or six feet of it separated us. Though I could tell that he was dead inside. And I was never surer of anything in my life than the fact that I could bring him to life again.


	17. All the World

**AN **Your reviews have been so kind, and I regret the wait as much as you might have. But I am so grateful to each and every word you write in response to my story. So thank you all. And if you're just reading, that's cool too. Experience it, enjoy it however you please.

Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer. I am writing a Bella and Jasper story, something she would not do...so clearly I am not her.

**Chapter 17**

"_Open wide _

_Oh so good I'll eat you _

_Take me for a ride _

_In your sweet delicious _

Perfect little mouth"

_Dave Matthews-Repunzel_

**Jasper**

The world seems to forget you when you most want it to remember, to hold on, and to protect you. And when you want to hide, when you want the shadow more than the light, the world picks you to stand in the sun. I never knew what human was before I heard her heart beat. I never knew I wanted the sun more than the shadow before I saw it glint in her eyes. These were things that made me wary of giving in and telling her our secret. These were the reasons I wanted to stay away from her, because I wanted the world to forget me. I the creature of shadow, I the monster in the forest, in the dark. I never wanted to feel again what I felt for Vera. I never wanted to feel again. I never wanted to feel.

I brought her there to show her the monster she so easily accepted in words. I brought her there to show her what the sun makes of me. To the mountains, to my lake, I brought her to the place I so often escaped to. She took to my skin with reverence. Her heartbeat quickened as the sun made its appearance over the horizon, her cheeks devoid of color took in the sight before her with awe. She had the exact opposite reaction that I was hoping for.

As her eyes attempted to dislodge from her face and embrace me themselves, she walked toward me, and instinctively I took a step back. She noticed and shook her head slightly. "I'm sorry, I just, well…" She stumbled and caught her breath taking another moment to swallow deeply.

I spoke for the first time since the sun stole the last vestiges of my human façade. "How can you look at me? How does this not scare you? Who _are_ you?" My voice was barely above a whisper.

She took another step forward and I mirrored her with another step backward. She answered me, "I'm not sure about anything anymore, except that I'm not afraid of you." She took another quiet step forward, but to me it seemed to pound my entire body with its force. I let it overwhelm me, and I stood still. She took that as a welcome to close the distance between us. With merely a foot to separate us she stopped, her heat enveloping me and begging for me to close the distance and bring her throat to my mouth. I let out a snarl and she caught her breath, a slight tinge of hesitance flowing through her. I caught her eyes with mine and it was gone, that instinct to kill her, along with her hesitancy.

Warmth stung me. I looked down to my forearm where her hand lay. I hadn't realized she moved. It was all together unthinkable that I didn't notice her hand move from her side to my arm. But there it was, her delicate fingers barely touching my skin. I found her eyes again, and she moved her fingers softly down to the underside of my wrist, never taking her eyes from mine.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She shook her head slightly and her lips curved in a way that made me feel warmth in my chest. Which is something I had never experienced. Never.

"What are you doing?" I attempted to ask again, but my shaking voice was cut off mid sentence by the feel of her fingers entwining with mine, and the unexpected curve of my own around hers.

She squeezed her hand, and whispered, "This."

"I shouldn't have brought you here."

Alarm took hold of her emotions; finally I extracted a level of fear from this human. "Why?" She asked in a determined tone, she let no amount of that fear show in her demeanor.

I looked around at the lake, the sun creating diamonds of its own creation upon its surface. The leaves were gone from the trees around us, their limbs bent in wry directions against the sky, which was grey despite the sun. It gave me a sense of calm that was misplaced in the current situation. It was beautiful, my space here in the mountains. My lake. My girl. I bowed my head and immediately regretted the thought. She was not mine. She was, on the other hand, waiting for an answer. _Why should I not have brought her here? Let me count the reasons. _

I opted for sarcasm. I did my best to smile at her, "Because it's all together too romantic. I never meant to swoon you. You're not supposed to feel okay about this Bella. You're _supposed_ to want to never see me again. You do realize I'm shining in the sun right?"

She smiled wide, and let out a small laugh. "You do realize I'm shining too." She lifted up her hand that wasn't holding mine and examined it. "See." She said turning her palm into the sun. "I'm positively beaming."

I heard myself laugh even before I realized I was laughing. And then I stopped at the feel of her fingers doing odd things to my hand. Her thumb made a smooth back and forth motion against my knuckle. It made me nearly fall to my knees. Who was swooning whom? I instantly vowed never to use the word swoon again, even in my thoughts. I needed to sober up, and get my mind back on course. Which had nothing to do with making her feel more comfortable with me.

"Look, its about to start snowing. I should take you back."

Her eyes widened slightly and she felt fear again. "What? What's wrong?" I asked

"No. I don't want to go back. You're just going to disappear again." She said with a rising hysteria in her voice.

"What does my presence have to do with taking you back? Would you rather stay here and freeze to death?" The idea made my insides clench, and I immediately fought back a growl. Her brow furrowed and she frowned. I continued "Regardless Bella, I'm taking you home." I pulled my hand from hers and I felt the resulting pang of hurt the lack of contact gave to her. Coupled with my own, it felt like a great blow to the chest.

"Bella." I said in reaction to the pain, almost as a reprimand.

"What?" She said in anger.

"Don't. Just don't. I didn't mean for this." I let out a frustrated breath.

"You didn't mean for what Jasper? Because if you think I know, you'd be mistaken. I don't have experience with this kind of thing, so I really don't know what you mean by _this_." She was gritting her teeth by the end of her sentence. Blood rushed to her face right around the time she said "experience." I hated that I wanted to know more. That I instinctively needed to know just exactly what experience she did have.

"I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I stayed away for that reason. I stayed away from you so that you wouldn't have to deal with this world."

She instantly became curious. "So you left because of me? You left Forks to get away from me?"

"Of course I did. We can't bring anyone into our lives Bella. We live; we thrive on our secrecy. You were getting too close. You were just always there. The world was putting you in my path, and I needed to take myself out of yours."

"The world?" She asked skeptically. "Jasper, I was drawn to you…" She paused stuttering over saliva that had caught in her throat. "The moment I laid eyes on you. I don't care why it was me who was put in your path, or who did the putting…all I care about is being here." She looked up at me slightly at an angle, her eyes imploring me to her words.

"I can't Bella. I can't bring you into this world." I tried to explain, but words were failing me.

"I am already here Jasper. If you run away again, I'll find you. And if I can't find you, if you run forever, then know that I will spend the rest of my life looking. Do you want me to do that?" She was laying it on a little thick.

"Don't be ridiculous." I spat.

"No. I'm a part of your life now whether you like it or not. And I want to be. Please." She almost whined the last part. She was begging for something she had no idea about. She was begging for damnation whether she knew it or not, and I was assured she did not. I would convince her, one way or another that she was wrong to want me; that she didn't know who I was, what I really was. Even more, she didn't know what I could be.

"All it is Bella is monsters and death. There is no life here." I pounded my chest to make the point stronger. "There is no life here!" I repeated. I took her hands abruptly in both of my own and brought them to my chest, where my still heart lie. "Do you feel anything?" I asked with haste. "I asked you, do you feel anything?" I shouted in her face. She gasped. "Well? Do you?" I shouted again.

She gasped again and fisted my shirt in her hands. "Yes!" She shouted back. "I feel _everything_." She paused and tears that had sprung to her eyes spilled over to her face. "I feel more than I've ever felt in my entire life. I feel you." She paused again and her voice lowered to a quaky passionate tone. "I _feel _you Jasper."

My hands were at her cheeks wiping the tears away. I leaned in toward her, our faces inches apart. "I know you do, I know." A sob escaped her mouth, and in the time her lips parted I closed the distance between us and pressed my own to them. Warmth invaded me and took hold of the only part of sanity left of me, took hold of it and squeezed it to death. I held on to her face, tighter than I should have really, but I couldn't help the wild flow of heat that coursed through me, it begged for more, it needed more. Her sob ended and turned into a moan as my fingers folded back from her cheeks to her ears, gracing over her skin in their search for more. When they found her hair they embraced a new home. One they immediately vowed to never depart from for long. I heard my voice say her name. "Bella." What time it took for our lips to part, eternity would know less of an ache for such time to end. They were together again. And I was unhinged.

"Vera, I don't like this plan. Can we not do this on our own? I don't want to get involved in another war." It had been two days since we joined with the illustrious Isaiah and his band of warrior vampires, most of whom had been 'saved' by him from the death camps. Taken from their captivity and brought into the shadows for eternity, recruited to save the remaining captives, family, friends, neighbors, strangers, all who were left behind in the camps. Isaiah didn't force anyone to stay, though it was clear that no one was interested in abandoning the mission from the start. The mission was, to save as many as we could, in as stealth a manner as possible.

The guards took inventory of the prisoners each day, but there were ways of getting around that. People died, there were vampires working on the inside, both guards and prisoners alike, who covered for the missing people. It was never a far reach for someone to be believed dead, any number of reasons, from incineration, gun shooting, or beating to disease to death by starvation. Hiding what we were doing wasn't the problem.

My concern was for Vera. In those two days we had not found Vera's brother or father. And we were confined to Isaiah's scheduled raids. Which meant that we went into the camps only twice in two days, both at night, and both times unsuccessful. The vampire guards on the inside didn't know Vera's family. It didn't help that we weren't sure of which camp they were sent to. I feared for her. I feared they were dead, and that she would be inclined to meet them in the afterlife was she to never find them alive.

She often spoke of her mother and sister as angels, I knew she was religious as a child, and it had obviously carried on to her immortal life. It never occurred to me that she would choose immortality without some vestige of her family with her. In fact I think I always knew that she was just staying alive to exact an end. That end being to find the rest of her family. I always knew it was them that she needed to be with. I always knew deep down inside that she would do anything to be with them again. And that's what scared me. I wasn't jealous really. I was just scared of losing her. I was afraid she would leave me; afraid she would find some way to be with them if they were all in fact dead. Which is why I tried to dissuade her of working with Isaiah.

"Jasper, this is my war, whether I wanted it or not. I am involved with Isaiah because he can help me find them. I either do this alone, find them out of the millions of people in the camps, or I do this with Isaiah and twenty other vampires. I need them. Don't you see? I can't do this alone."

I was stung by her exclusion of me, but I knew she meant no harm by it. "Vera, you are never alone. I am with you until forever. You know that right? I will find them, _we_ will find them." I took her face in my hands and begged her with my eyes to believe my words, when I scarcely believed their truth myself.

She smiled. "Don't use your power on me dearest, don't persuade me with your abilities."

I laughed at her. "Vera." I said in disbelief. "I would never." I rubbed her cheek with my thumb. "If you believe me, as you should, it is all on your own, I'm not affecting your emotions."

She eyed me warily and I laughed at her again while taking her hand in mine and averting my attention to the radio in the room. We were listening to the news. "Honest. I will tell you when I'm manipulating your emotions."

She smiled, "Liar." She accused.

I looked at her, "No, it's a promise. I will say a secret word, or maybe a phrase? How do you like that? I will say 'Vera watch out, here it comes!'"

She laughed. "I don't think that's enough, you should add to it, something…more." She was so cute when she was teasing. Her lips quirked in an adorable way that made me want to do a dance or make love to her, or both.

I suppressed any wild ideas about jigs and sex and responded, "How about, 'Vera watch out, here it comes, I'm sending you strong feelings of lust."

She stared confused. "What's that, I don't know this word, lust?" I was always slightly awed when she stumbled over the English vocabulary. Sometimes I forgot that it was her second language. She said that it had improved when she became a vampire but that she still had trouble with some words. I smiled at her thinking of a perfect way to define lust.

I pulled her face to mine and kissed her deeply. She complied easily and wrapped her arms around my lower back. I moved my lips to her cheek, and breathed, "_This_ is lust." Just then I pulled away from her and focused on the radio as she reeled from the lack of physical contact, wanting more. I laughed, perfect definition for lust.

I pulled her into my side and kissed her forehead. We were ignoring the other vampires mulling about the room going about whatever business. We were all paying attention to the news, the radio was always turned on, whether news was broadcasting or not, goings on about the war and Hitler were of first priority. But no one was simply listening alone. They were looking at maps, schedules, and lists of names, prisoners who were to be saved next, prisoners who were healthy enough to survive the change. Vera and I were not alone in the room, but no one was paying us any mind.

I looked down at her as she was leaning her head on my shoulder. I lifted her chin and spoke to her softly. "You wanting me, me wanting you. That is lust." I kissed her nose, and turned my attention back to the radio. And I did want her, more than just her kisses. But I knew she wouldn't want to make love to me just then, it wasn't the time or place, even though I could have done it anywhere and anytime.

The news spoke of the international community making inroads against the Germans. It spoke of the increasing possibility of an end to World War II. It told its hopeful listeners exactly what they wanted to hear, that there was an end in sight, to 'keep up the hope,' 'keep fighting for freedom,' 'don't let them win by giving in.' My arm around Vera tightened. The media did its job, accomplished its task. I believed in hope back then, with the woman I loved in my arms. I didn't know I believed in it. But when it's ripped from you, when it's gone it strips you bare, and then you recognize it for what it is, for what it was when you did have it.

The world forgets you when you most want it to remember. The world brings you down when you most want it to lift you up. The world turns you into a monster when you most want to believe you are not. The world shows you hope when you need it to believe in, but takes it away when you turn your back on it. The world does these things, the world shuns you, the world…the world…you. What does the world do? Whose fault is my pain? For the world has nothing to do with it. Nothing about the trees standing somber against the grey sky, nothing about the lake and my emotional connection to it, nothing about the girl I now held in my arms, nothing about time or hope, or love really, have anything to do it. I was the cause of all my pain, of all the ills done to me. I was the cause of the hate I felt, of the war I fought with hope. Me.

I stopped kissing her, Bella. I grabbed her and swung her onto my back. "Close your eyes." I said. And started to run as the snow began to tumult to the earth. I reached back and pulled the hood of her coat over her head.

I never wanted to feel again. And as I ran down the mountain with my heart on my back, I knew I had no say in the matter. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to hate her for making me feel again. I wanted to keep running and never stop, until she died of starvation, or froze to death when I reached an unbearably cold climate, in Canada maybe. All the while a growl escaped me for even thinking of such blasphemy as to hurt her.

I felt her shiver on my back, and I sped my pace back to Forks.


	18. Crash Into Me

**Chapter 18**

"_Touch your lips just so I know_

_In your eyes, love, it glows so_

_I'm bar__e boned and crazy for you"_

_Dave Matthews-Crash Into Me_

**Bella**

It was just after nine o'clock in the morning when Jasper jumped through my window with me in his arms. The journey back had been…interesting. The events before the journey back had been… miraculous. Literally. Miracles could happen, did happen, and someone, somewhere decided that they should happen to me…in the form of Jasper.

At first I was unsure as to how Jasper felt about our kiss. The way he ended it, barely spending a second between the time our lips parted and swinging me up onto his back.

As for me, well…

The thing is…

The kiss was…

This kiss was the single most breathtaking moment of my life up until then. Better than my best memory, which was sitting in Jasper's lap in the cafeteria the day Jessica died. The tension I felt from Jasper melted away the moment our lips connected. I had imagined the moment time and time again in my mind, picturing his lips crashing into mine, I never truly believed it would actually happen. But _he_ had kissed _me_. Not the other way around. All my daydreams were garbage next to the real thing.

The reel was replaying over and over in my head: Jasper glimmering in the sun, Jasper shouting at me, and then Jasper's cold mouth on my own. I tried to open my mouth wider, needing to be even closer to him than I was, needing to feel his tongue on my own. But he rejected it. He kept his mouth closed, though he did not stop kissing me. I broke away for a millisecond to take a much-needed breath, and his name escaped my lips, followed by mine from his. And then his hands that were tangled in my hair pulled my head to his again. He didn't want to stop.

No, my daydreams had nothing on the reality of myths and fantasy. My dreams could not compare to the beauty that is Jasper in real life, on my lips, in my hair, all around me. He was pervasive, and I knew, even more than I thought I did before he'd kissed me, that I never wanted to be apart from him again.

Even as I felt that sensation, a part of me wanted it gone, the logical part, the serious, the non romantic part of me knew that such a feeling could only leave me alone and broken in the end. And as I clung to a vampire's back and flew down a mountainside, the two sides of me clashed with one another, battling for footing at the peak of my thoughts. The part of me that was so far gone in love with the man to whom I clung, and the part that knew it was illogical and impetuous to feel so strongly for someone so quickly, for something so unknown. I immediately felt ashamed that I should be acting so much like Renee, the mother whom all my life I had tried to keep from making choices like this, from behaving rashly. The thought made me shiver.

_Choices like this! _Shouted the part of me that stood for love, quoting my own thoughts back to me. I had already made the choice. I was already too far-gone to let go of him without a fight. He knew I loved him, he told me so the day he came back. Only the day before, he came back into my life and told me that he could feel my emotion, could feel that I loved him.

_But he'll leave again and you know it._ Reasoned my logic.

_But that kiss! He wants me too._ I warred back at myself.

_And he broke contact without even looking at you. You're senile if you think that's a good sign._

I let out a frustrated sigh and opened my eyes. Which was a huge mistake, though it did end my internal debate. Everything was a blur of green and brown, the motion of which caused me to yelp and scream at the same time, which caused me to choke on my own saliva and air.

Jasper stopped so fast that my head fell forward, my left eye making direct contact with his apparently rock hard exterior. I yelled again, this time in pain.

"Bella?" Jasper's worried voice asked. My right eye opened, my hand was covering my wounded eye. I was no longer on his back, but he was holding me cradled in his arms in front of him. The expression in his eyes was alarmed. There was glassiness to them like he was about to cry. I felt like holding him in _my_ arms and calming _him._ I suddenly felt like smiling, and the pain in my eye seemed to ebb slightly.

I laughed a little, "Owe." I said anticlimactically. He shook his head and smiled with me. "You weren't kidding when you told me to keep my eyes closed." I said, happy he wasn't brooding.

"No Bella, I wasn't kidding." He sobered up, and looked at me with a serene expression. "Are you alright?"

I thought about his question for a moment, the pause seemed to accentuate the fact that his arms were holding me protectively against his torso, and I smiled, thinking I had never been better in my life. I nodded.

"You scared me Bella. Would you do me a favor?" He asked, with a slight curve of his eyebrow.

"Anything." I nearly blurted out.

"Will you calm down? I haven't the stamina to withstand your range of emotions." He laughed again, and I felt myself relax even further in his arms, the sound of his laughter making me melt. He started to walk slowly with me in his arms, I didn't know where we were, nor did I care or have the will to take my eyes from his face to look. He shook his head. "Armies of vampires I can deal with, but Bella Swan's heart, I'm left barely able to stand."

His words seemed to finally cut through my haze of awe at his glorious face, which was alternating between diamonds and shadow, as the trees above opened to let slight vestiges of sunlight through their limbs. My heart sped suddenly at the sound of _Bella Swan's heart_ through his lips, in his melodious voice. "What about 'Armies of Vampires?'" I asked.

His mouth opened slightly and the corners of his lips curled and he let out a low chuckle. I was momentarily distracted yet again by the sound of his laugh, by the sight of his smile, which was so infrequent. His teeth were perfect and stark white against the unusual berry color of his lips, which were the perfect…

"Bella." He stated my name, and it felt like an alarm clock going off, an interruption of my ogling. My eyes shot to his, and he smirked.

"Hm?" I asked. He just shook his head and smiled. Perfection.

"What am I going to do with you?" He asked in a light tone.

I was caught off guard, but my mouth was already speaking unbeknownst to me. "I could think of a thing or two. Something to do with a mountain and a lake, and…"

His face took on a worried look, which halted me in my lame attempt at seduction. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Your eye is swelling."

I had forgotten all about it, but when he brought it up I felt it throbbing. "Oh. Yeah. I'm fine." I stated dully.

He laughed but it wasn't jovial. In fact, he seemed disappointed. "You're lying. But I don't blame you. I know it hurts. I can feel it hurting you Bella."

"What do you mean you can feel it?" I asked. I wondered if he literally felt the pain I was feeling, or just the emotion behind it.

He lowered his face until it was inches from my own…inch from my own. "Shhh." He barely whispered as his forehead made contact with my throbbing left eye. I instantly felt better, although I wasn't sure if it was the way his forehead mimicked an icepack, or if the intimate position made me forget about my pain all together. Either way I relished it. My heartbeat picked up an unnatural pace, while the hair on my skin along every inch of my body seemed to stand alert.

His head tilted in toward my face, his breath cool and sweet above my lips, as his forehead gently soothed my eye. "Calm." He whispered. And I felt my skin, which was on fire from ice; melt into his embrace, which simultaneously tightened around me.

We stayed like that for an immeasurable moment in time. I spared no care for whether we were moving or stopped in space, all I knew was that I never wanted it to cease. I brought my hand up to rest on the back of his head, his eyes fluttered open. I only knew because I felt the hair of his eyelashes tickle my cheek. "Beautiful." He barely whispered. My stomach tightened into knots and released at the same time, willing him closer to me. I wrapped my hand around his neck and tried to pull myself closer, he lifted his head to allow me traction, to help me in my endeavor. I breathed in his scent as I brought my face even closer to his. He seemed to be doing the same to me, the breath he took in sounded like a growl, and it made me want him even more. I opened my mouth to taste the flavor of the arousing scent I smelled coming off of him. He bent his head down and lifted me up with his arms at the same time and grazed his nose gently over my lips, which wanted only his to come down on them. I groaned and then kissed his forehead, which was the first part of his face I could find, as his mouth was then doing interesting things to my chin, and then my neck. He wasn't kissing me, he was breathing me in, barely gracing my skin with his lips, and it made the bumps on my skin rise even higher.

His breathing seemed to grow deeper the lower down my neck he went. "Jasper." I gasped as I grabbed tighter to his hair in a plea for him to continue. And that's when I felt it, a great sense of tranquility overcome me, as if I were floating in warm ocean water, inside a warm blanket, content to float aimlessly forever. A second later I felt his tongue, cold as ice on the skin of my neck. My head fell back on my shoulders and my eyes rolled to the back of my head as the calming sensation coupled with the piercing feeling of his tongue on my skin jolted through my body. I was in heaven. A God was holding me, and I was in heaven. I felt the wet trail burn its way up my neck, as his tongue never relented, it left my skin when it reached my chin, and I let out a sound that sounded like, "Gah."

I felt my head being lifted by the All Mighty himself. How my eyes found their rightful place in my head again, I will never know. "Jas…" I began to say but his lips cut me off. I was on the ground floor of the forest at this point, how I got there was beyond me at that point. His lips moved agonizingly slow against mine. I couldn't find it in me to care what pace his mouth took on my own. I was swimming in that warm ocean now. I opened my mouth to let him take me inside his own, but he pulled back. I was too slow to realize, as my mouth was still opening and waiting for more, when I heard his low chuckle. My eyes shot open. My first noises were inaudible jumbles of syllables and vowels. He loomed over me, somehow not touching me with any part of his body, unfortunately. He was smiling. "What?" I asked, bewildered.

"I've never tried that. Did you enjoy it?" He asked with a serious face.

"You've never kissed anyone before?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I immediately regretted them, remembering his brief mention of his love for a woman named Vera. I would never forget her name. I wasn't talking to just an 18-year-old boy, but an immortal. How old was he exactly?

He interrupted my thoughts. "No, that's not what I was referring to." He stood then, seeming to sober immediately.

I followed suit and stood as well, albeit much clumsier as I was still feeling light headed by the best kiss in the history of kisses in the entire known universe.

"I'm sorry, I know you've done _that_ before." Clearly alluding to the kissing. "I'll never forget what you told me, what you told me about her." I ended lamely.

"Don't worry Bella. I brought it up, remember." He said, though his eyes were downtrodden and avoiding mine. I decided to change the subject.

"Jasper, how old are you?" I asked.

He laughed again, for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, "Bella you are so easily distracted."

What did that mean? Well, he was right. Though, it was his fault! "I'm different when I'm with you." I said.

He tilted his head, interested. "How are you different?" He put his hands in his pockets, like he wanted to stand in the middle of the freezing forest on the outskirts of a mountain and discuss the inner workings of my convoluted behavior.

That wasn't exactly my idea of a good time, so I began to walk forward, in the direction I imagined we'd been going before we ended up on the ground. "I just am. You tell me _I'm_ easily distracted, you haven't answered any of my questions."

He fell in step beside me. "I was 20 years old when I became a vampire."

"Okay." I kept my head forward, partly because I wanted to seem nonchalant about whatever he said, and partly because I didn't want to trip or walk into a tree. From the corner of my eye I saw him watching me.

"I was a soldier in the Confederate Army." He seemed to be watching me carefully. I stole a glance in his direction and smiled.

"Okay." I stated again. It wasn't even hard to keep my voice even. On some level I must have been freaking out. Confederate Army, that means the Civil War. That means…

"I was born in 1843. I died in 1863. And here I am." He shrugged and I did what I was afraid of, I tripped and stumbled. Before I could even complete the usual falling ritual: yell, flail, land, and wince. I was caught. That was not part of the deal. Falling and being caught was not part of the routine.

But I immediately threw the old routine out and traded up for Jasper's arms. "Wow." I said in a breathy voice. I cleared my throat as he stood us both upright. "Thanks."

"I was expecting it actually." He said. "I knew my age would be surprising."

"Yeah. Surprising." I said still reeling from not landing on my face, but into his arms. "Surprising, but I don't feel that shocked or anything." I concluded, comfortable with my easy acceptance of his age.

He nodded as we continued to walk forward. "No, you don't. Why is that?"

"I knew what you were, who you are. I guess the surprising part is imagining you in history. I mean, I've read history books about what you've lived through." I shook my head at the sheer impossibility of such a thing. "I mean the Civil War." I said in awe. And then I realized how inadequate I was standing next to him. How wise and learned and experienced he was, while I was 17 and awkward and very inexperienced in life. I doubted the awkward and inexperienced teenager that I was, was much of an appeal to someone like him.

"Bella, what's wrong? You do realize I'm the one who should be in doubt here." He said.

That caught me and I stopped walking. "And how do you always do that? Always know what I'm thinking the exact moment I'm thinking it."

He looked at me with a stern gaze. "Bella, you already know that can feel emotions. I was feeling you doubting yourself."

Oh. Right. That. "I forgot." I must have looked like such an idiot. "Are you sure that's all though? I mean you're sure you can't maybe read minds…just a little bit?"

He smirked. "Why? What were you thinking?

"You tell me." I said incredulously.

He rolled his eyes. "It's getting too cold out here for you. Can we continue this discussion when you're indoors?"

"No." I said and I felt heat rise to my face. I was worried that he could in fact hear my thoughts, and the very thought of it had me going mad. "Tell me now. I probably would have accepted it if you told me I was crazy, but now that you admit there's something to tell, I want to know now."

He sighed heavily. "If I hold you again, will you wait until I can get you home."

"No." I crossed my arms. "Maybe." I looked down at my feet and blew out a breath of frustration, how easily distracted I was. "Hold me how?"

He smiled and closed the small distance between us. He picked me up in his arms, cradling me to his chest once again. "Okay, I'll wait." I grumbled.

He nodded. "Close your eyes, and keep them closed." I did as was asked.

I could feel the air caress my skin as he ran. I knew better than to open my eyes, and I even began to relax and revel in the feel of the crisp morning air against my hair and face, that coupled with the fact that I felt like I was already safe at home in his arms made me feel lighter than I ever remembered feeling. I was at peace, there, seemingly floating in midair.

And then I felt the air change and felt my feet come down on solid ground. I felt his fingers lightly touch my eyelids, and on instinct they opened. We were in my room. I let out a small laugh at the absurdity of it all. "Home sweet home." I said, a little sarcastically. He didn't respond. He just stared at me with an expression I couldn't decipher.

I didn't waste any time. "So you got me home. Now own up Mister." I playfully poked him in the chest. He looked down at the place where I had just barely touched him, and slowly nodded.

"I told you that I could feel others' emotions. I told you that and you believed me, but it's more than I think you realize."

I nodded. I knew it had to be more than his ability to feel emotion. "So you can hear thoughts." I stated, like it was the obvious conclusion.

"Why don't you sit down Bella?" He asked.

I moved to my bed and sat, curling my legs beneath me comfortably. _I'm ready. _I thought. And a part of me figured he could hear that thought.

He made no movement to join me only stared deeply at the wooden floor. "I can't read your thoughts." He began, and I was about to protest, as I had _just _been thinking that he could. But he held up a hand for my silence. "Edward is the one in the family who can do that."

I heard myself gasp and his lips twitched slightly in what I was coming to recognize as a smile. "Although, he can't read yours. Which was a surprise to all of us." He began to walk the length of my room, and then retrace his steps. Pacing. "You're the anomaly in his ninety some years of being able to read the thoughts of those around him, vampire and human alike. You, Bella, are the one he cannot read." He smirked at that. "You see, not all vampires have abilities. Only those of us who are damned enough to warrant such a curse." He stared into my eyes so strongly that I nearly fell over from the force. He broke the gaze as quick as he made it, and I found myself blinking rapidly.

"Ask me Bella. I will make you understand what I failed to the last time I told you. Ask me one more time, ask me what you want to know." He said, his voice dripping with severity.

"What is your ability?" I delivered unwaveringly.

"I can feel the emotions of everyone around me. I can feel them like a pulse, as if I had a goddamn pulse of my own. They course through me; happiness, sadness, regret, doubt, anger, fear." His voice grew in volume and he stalked toward me on the bed. "Lust, hate, trust, wonder, I feel it all Bella, I feel it all at once. You. I feel you…all at once." He leaned into me, and I leaned back on instinct as he was still speaking. "Tell me what you think I feel from you. Tell me what one emotion I get from you above all others. Tell me Bella." His knee came up on the bed and he leaned even further into me, as I fell back onto my elbows he breathed his deliciously tempting aroma onto my face. "Tell me what you feel." My head fell back slightly as his question rolled off his tongue. I could refuse him nothing. "Love." I breathed, giving it no real voice.

And then he was gone, and I felt anger wash over me. I felt it so deeply that my skin felt damp and my face hot with rage. I wanted to scream at him, or at the ceiling, or at the sheets beneath me. I wanted to break the windows with my scream I was so mad. "What is this?" I barely croaked out between my teeth. I felt tears singe my cheeks. My eyes squinted against the barrage of seething fury.

He was standing, almost hunching over in front of my bed. "This." He ground out between his teeth. "Is the other side of my curse." He whirled around breaking his eye contact with me and faced the opposite wall. I felt the anger release, the absence of which left me merely confused. "What…" I couldn't formulate a question for what I was feeling, what I had just felt. The strongest anger I had ever experienced.

Still turned away from me, I saw his head roll back on his shoulders, as if he were momentarily glancing at the ceiling, but I couldn't tell if his eyes were open or closed. "I feel emotion from others, and I can influence theirs just as easily. I made you that angry Bella. _That_ is who I am. That is _what _I am…and more. Worse."

I swallowed down bile that had risen to my throat. Anger so strong it nearly made me sick, literally. I let out a shaky breath as I wiped away the tears from my face. "You are more than that. You are good. I know you are. How many times have you saved my life Jasper? How many times have you fed from animals and not humans…" I was cut off by his sudden movement. His eyes caught mine in a ferocious glare.

"Finally something to scare you off." He intoned darkly. "Do you know how long I _did_ feed on humans?" He inclined his head. "No? Not scared yet? Nearly one hundred years Bella. Nearly one hundred years I preyed on humans. I feasted on the blood of your kind. Do not mistake good and evil Bella. And do not mistake me for the former."

I was taken aback. _One hundred years?_ Again I felt inadequate. He had been on this earth for so many years. That in itself was so inhuman. What he must have gone through, I would never fully know. Who was I to judge his experiences, his choices, in that long span of time? I swallowed again. "Jasper. Do you kill humans now?" I asked something I already knew the answer to.

He didn't answer me, but his silence was answer enough. "You lived a different life, a different existence entirely. I only know the man I see today, a decent being. Someone, who, for the life of me, I need to know more about," I let out a frustrated laugh. "You might think that you're scaring me away by telling me that you've killed people. But you haven't. I'm not put at ease either; I mean there are many things about you that frighten me. But I'm not running away. I'm not scared off by your gruesome past Jasper."

He turned away from me again hiding his expression. Though I imagined it to be one of brooding, frustrated, anger. He let out an uneven breath and hung his head. "I'm sorry, truly I am. For bringing you into this world." He straightened his stance but did not face me. "This should never have happened…" He was cut off by the touch of my hand upon his back. There was no more choices where Jasper was concerned, no more hesitation. I wanted to ease his plight, and so I did. It ceased to be a choice to stay on the bed and watch him seethe or close the distance between us. It ceased to be a decision I could make anymore. The choice was made long ago. It would always be that of closing the distance.

"It _has_ happened Jasper. I'm not concerned with what should or shouldn't have been. I only know that I was blind before it did." I ran my hand down his spine and reached my other to his open hand at his side. I didn't hold it gently as I had before, but I grabbed onto it, and squeezed tighter than I knew possible, to where it was painful for me. "Do you hear me? Do you feel this?" I asked him, growing more passionate about my resolve. "I am not letting you go. I don't care what your ability is, what you think is a curse. I don't care how old you are, I don't care that you drink blood, or sleep in coffins. Believe me, I don't care about any of that." I was gritting my teeth by the end of my declaration.

He stared down at me, his eyes brought together with aggravation, he was angry. I just tightened my death grip on his hand. "How could you not care? You speak of things you no nothing about, still. How could you be so dense Bella?" There was something beneath his aggressive tone that let me know that he felt relief that I was accepting him, even if he didn't realize it himself. "How can you stand here looking at me like this, feeling…what you're feeling? What is wrong with you? Something is wrong with you. You know that right?"

I looked past the hatred in his eyes. I looked past what was obviously pain. I looked past the color of gold and shimmers of amber. I looked straight through him, past years of facades, and lies, past war and strife, past strength and weakness, I looked at him, I saw him. The night before I looked at him and thought he was dead inside. I wasn't looking deep enough. No. There was death, to be sure. But he was so alive that it had me feeling powerful just sharing his presence. His life was hidden behind layers and layers of pain and sorrow. And what else, I was not sure. But of one thing I was sure of was my love for him.

_I love you._ "I love you." I said. And never did I speak truer words; never did I know myself better than that moment.

He seemed to crack, to melt right before me. Though he did not move, my place was still deep within his eyes, and I saw something breakdown inside of them. I saw something shift. Whatever it was, it did not make me fear him, it gave me hope; it made me feel loved back.


End file.
